Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Frustrating

I went in for ANOTHER monitoring appointment this morning.

I am so sick of getting my blood drawn, having an ultrasound, and being told I'm not ready yet.

I'm sick of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to get to my appointment only to arrive to work late.

I'm sick of constantly telling my boss I have to come in late. And though he has been so supportive, I hate knowing I'm probably letting him down.

I hate not knowing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

As much as I want to trust God's plan, I just want to know what's going on.  Honestly, I suck at trusting God.  I suck at letting things go, putting things in His hands.

I always need to feel in control. Of everything.  Of this, of my life, of our finances. Even of my brother-in-law's party he threw for his wife, I wanted to be in control.  He can take all the credit, but I want to call the shots.

Whyyyyyyy?????????

Ugh maybe I'm just sick of myself.

Also - this stupid Ovia fertility app with its stupid reminders of what cycle day I'm on and my fertility rating are making me want to delete the thing off my phone.  I know I'm not pregnant! Stop reminding me to have sex! Stop making me wonder about every little symptom!


Friday, September 26, 2014

High Five for Friday!

I should take a minute every day to think about my high fives, but I tend to just look through my pictures from the last week to figure out what I loved enough to take a picture.

Linking up with TheLaurenElizabeth.com!

1) This verse:




2) This donut:




3) These guys:




4)This candle:

Bourbon Butterscotch Mason Jar Candle - Home Fragrance - Bath & Body Works
via

5)This movie:

via

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Quick Update

Follicles aren't matured all the way - have to go in on Saturday morning for ANOTHER ultrasound. Jesse is none too happy.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Well then, November

This morning at the beautiful hour of 7:15am (not really), I walked into the fertility doctor's office.  I was there to have my follicles checked after 1 week on the fertility medication Letrozole.

I have 9 growing follicles.  9. I have 9 viable options for a baby. That is...not good.

But according to the doctor, it is a good sign. It's a sign that I respond well to medication and that I am producing eggs in a good fashion.  So it is good?

Technically yes, technically no.

The doctor proceeds to tell me that because there are so many nice sized follicles, it is possible they won't be able to go forth with the IUI.  The doctor doesn't want to risk having a multiple birth possibility and if all the follicles mature, we will have to wait until next month. My body responded "too well" to the medication. Well isn't that just dandy.

I tell her next month isn't happening because we are going out of town.

She says, "Well then, November."

The tears start welling up in my eyes.

She senses I'm about to cry and tells me that we can wait, and make an appointment for tomorrow to check the follicles again. Just to see if only a couple make it to their full mature size. I agree to that and walk out of the room holding back the tears.

I left and called my mom and Jesse.  I let them know and then went into work where I vented to my coworker about how stupid this whole thing is.

The nurse called later today and said she needs me to come in and check the follicles again tomorrow morning. So there's that.

I'm almost wondering if maybe I should have just waited until November? I rushed this September cycle and now it has backfired.  But I suppose I would have just found this out in November and that would have felt even worse because I waited.

Maybe I should just drop this whole fertility clinic thing altogether. I don't want medications in my body that affect the way my body knows it should run.  There is nothing physically wrong with my husband or I, so why did I mess with it?

It's just not my time. It isn't my time to have a child. Why can't I be OK with that? Why do I struggle so hard to accept God's plan for me and my life? Why do I insert myself into every plan and take charge, whether or not I'm wanted or needed?

I'm fed up with my self and my body and my inabilities.

Ugh.

Monday, September 22, 2014

The Weekenders

This weekend was truly busy. Busy and hot.  The temperature on Sunday rose to at least 80. Boo to summer rearing its ugly head again.

Friday night we did basically nothing. I was battling a cold all week and it finally took me down for the count on Friday morning.  I snuggled with kitties all day and ate leftover homemade chicken noodle soup (made by Jesse!).




Saturday we went yardsaling (not a word, don't judge) and Jesse found a bike.  He has been wanting one for awhile and at $60 for a new-ish bike in great condition, we knew we had to scoop it up.

I also found this truly adorable trivet.


Saturday afternoon we went to Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party.

Jesse has a large Italian family and all but 2 cousins were there.  I am very blessed to be a part of this extremely loving and generous family. I don't have a large family, and the family I have is spread across the East Coast.  It doesn't make for huge holiday get-togethers, but it does allow me to appreciate family even more.
Sorry for the blurry picture! Stupid iPhone.


So basically we ate delish food, celebrated a wonderful man, and hung out with some cool kids.

Sunday we went to the Maryland wine festival.  It took a bit of convincing on my part to get Jesse to go, because at $30 bucks a pop, it's an expensive way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  But we went and met up with my parents and some family friends.  I found pretty good wines.  I didn't purchase anything because I am sure I can find the wines in my town for possibly cheaper.  I'm really enjoying drinking Maryland wines.  I like knowing that my money goes back to my state, plus it just makes me feel more of that MD pride.

Again - stupid iPhone.


I had the windows open all last week, but finally closed them and turned the air on last night. It was such a bummer. But they were thrown open again this morning before I left for work, so I suppose I can't complain too much.


This boy.

P.S. - I'm done taking my medication for last week to increase my ovulation.  The appointment is this Wednesday and the reality is finally setting in that possibly, maybe, hopefully, don't count on it, don't get your hopes up, but it truly could be the month where we conceive.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

High Five for Friday!

Here goes nothing:

1. This week's weather was absolutely beautiful.  It was cold at night (I have had the windows open for the past 7 days) and sunny yet cool during the day.  I am very, very ready for fall.  This weekend is supposed to heat up, but I'm confident, we have entered autumn.

2. I made this wreath last Friday night and dangit, I am proud of my skills.



3. Tomorrow is Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party at a nice restaurant in our town.  I am excited! Their food is awesome. Also - this man is one of the sweetest, most caring and genuine people I have ever met.

4. This week we went to the fair in our town.  I didn't take any pictures!  But I hadn't been to the fair in almost 10 years.  It was very fun seeing the animals and having dinner with my parents.

5. The MD wine festival! We are going on Sunday and it's basically an excuse to hang out and drink LOTS of wine. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Keep the Faith

Yesterday, I was driving through the construction yard where I work to feed the stray kittens that have taken up residence in our scrap pile.  When I turned on my car, the song "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel started playing.  I drive with my iPod plugged into the stereo.

From the 5,000+ songs, this song came on first.  

As I got in my car to go home that afternoon, the shuffle restarted itself. I skipped around a few songs and guess what came on again? Keeping the Faith. Now, this song is basically about a boy growing up and how he's looking back at his past now that he is fully grown.  This doesn't super relate to me, but it is a song I enjoy. And that title.

This morning, I check my Instagram. And this:



2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."


This speaks volumes to me right now.  I'm not too into reading signs, but keeping the faith is so hard for me some days.  Most of the time, I can't understand why I have to follow God's plan.  Why don't things work out the way I want all the time?  Why can't I have what I truly know that I want?  

Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.

Keep the faith that I will become a mother one day. Whether naturally or through this IUI or adoption or surrogacy or IVF.  Keep the faith that God's plan is the best for me.  Keep the faith that he will protect my heart.  Keep the faith that he will teach me the strength to get through everything in this life.

One day, I will say, I kept the faith.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Do they know?!

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment at the fertility clinic.  The amount of women in the office at 8:00 am was astounding.  I almost couldn't find a place to sit in the waiting room.

I had blood work done and an ultrasound to make sure I am not currently pregnant (unfortunately) and that both my ovaries looked good (which they do).

I confirmed my medications with the nurse, got the next steps from the doctor, and was sent on my way (45 minutes later than expected).

Seriously, the women that were sitting in that waiting room were just like me and yet not like me. Some were older and I couldn't help think, what are you doing here?  Some were young, some were with their husbands/significant others.  Some wore a ring and some didn't.  But it was very clear while I was waiting, that we were all waiting. For a baby.  And I just kept thinking, does the world know?!

How many people are aware of their own fertility? Or of how lucky they are to conceive naturally? Or of the fact that 1 in 8 women suffer from infertility and have to seek professional help?  Because I didn't.  Before this past 14 months, infertility was so foreign.  My mother suffered from infertility for 5 years before she conceived. And yet, it still seemed foreign to me.

I never knew to track my cervical mucus or my basal body temperature or ovulation pain.  I never knew about the costs of infertility or the guilt a woman can feel for not being able to do what her body was designed for or the very real anger she can feel when someone announces a pregnancy.

And how could I have known? Who talks about infertility nowadays? Who doesn't sweep their feelings under the rug because it isn't socially acceptable to take off work because you are devastated your IUI didn't take? Or even socially acceptable to make a Facebook status like "Well, another month with no baby!" Everyone and their mother is on Facebook making statuses like "I'll never let him hit me again!" And yet, infertility and the treatment of such is so back door, hush hush.

And please, believe me, I am not diminishing anyone else's problems. But this is my own struggle and what else is this blog for if not to write about myself?

So I left the doctors feeling a glimmer of hope.  Today starts a new cycle and a totally new way of dealing with our infertility.  I'm excited, I won't lie.  Crossing my fingers, this is the month.

Friday, September 12, 2014

High Five for Friday!

It's a glorious day!

1. It feels like the first day of fall where I live (it's 65 and cool and sunny) and I wore sandals today. Go figure. I briefly thought about wearing flats today, but decided against it.  What was I thinking?!

My drive to work this morning.

2. Bath & Body works is having a sale on candles.   My favorite scents include:

Farmstand Apple 3-Wick Candle - Home Fragrance - Bath & Body Works
This one can be a tad strong, but I still think it smells delicious!
source
Cranberry Woods 3-Wick Candle - Home Fragrance - Bath & Body Works
This is the perfect transition from fall to winter scent.
source
Autumn 3-Wick Candle - Home Fragrance - Bath & Body Works
Absolute favorite - smells like everything fall should smell like.
source

Check them out - I love when they have the 2 for $22!

3.  This Sunday is Jesse's birthday and I finally get to give him the gift I purchased a couple weeks ago.  Hopefully he loves it!

4. Something exciting is coming up. I don't want to go into too much detail in case it doesn't all work out, but let's just say, big things could be happening.

5. I am thankful for my husband. He was active duty army for 4 years and deployed to Iraq.  I am thankful for all of the soldiers and marines out there that fight every day for our freedom and protection. I am thankful for the men and women that helped and sacrificed on September 11, 2001. Finally, I am thankful that I live in this country.  


Linking up here!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Approval

We were approved!  I switched health insurances this month and we were officially approved for a medicated IUI cycle.  Just thought I'd share that tidbit of happy information on this otherwise dull Tuesday morning!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Happy Anni-Vada-Versary!

Yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversary.  Jesse surprised me with tickets to see Dirty Dancing at the National Theater in DC.

Two things about me -
1. I love love love musicals.
2. I love love love Dirty Dancing.

So when he told me last weekend this is what we would be doing for our anniversary, I was super excited!



First we decided to go down and have dinner at the Occidental Grill in the Willard Hotel.  It was a beautiful evening and we splurged a tad on dinner, but everything was delicious!






I ordered the rack of lamb and Jesse had prosciutto wrapped monk fish.  We also got the lobster mashed potatoes to split.  Yummmm.

Because we had tickets to the theater, they brought us free drinks!  I had the "Thyme of Your Life" cocktail and Jesse had a glass of prosecco. Both were delicious, but I enjoyed mine a little better.   I am a fan of wine, but not super dry wines, and this prosecco was just that.  Jesse enjoys a good dry wine though, so it was perfect for him!

After dinner we wandered around the hotel a bit, the decor was gorgeous and old and lavish.  I thought briefly about renting a hotel for our night out, but we have had a couple of large expenses lately so we really couldn't afford it. Next anniversary though, we are definitely staying in a very nice hotel!

Then we walked to the theatre which was a block from the restaurant.  I thought the musical was very good.  There were a couple parts that weren't in the movie, and everyone was a fantastic dancer.  It was also just nice to see live theatre again, I haven't seen a musical in a couple of years and this has really sparked my interest again.






After the show, we went home, and I didn't have to go into work until late this morning.  This was definitely different than last year's anniversary, we went apple picking at an apple orchard festival and went to the Antrim 1844 for dinner (which is where we got married).  Both occasions were great, and I'm looking forward to the next anniversary!

Also - a note about Jesse - he's the greatest.

Friday, September 5, 2014

High Five for Friday!

Linking up with TheLaurenElizabeth.com for this edition of High Five for Friday!

Let's jump right into it, shall we?

1.  It's Friday.  Thank God.  I thought this week would never end and I'm pretty sure this day deserves it's own number, don't you agree?

2. Saturday we will be going out to dinner for Jesse's 25th birthday.  I'm excited to celebrate my husband.  He is an amazing man and doesn't get enough recognition.

(he got a hole in one!)

3. Sunday!  It's our 2 year wedding anniversary and we will be seeing Dirty Dancing at the National Theatre in DC!! I'm pretty excited to dress up and enjoy the show!

A peek at my favorite wedding pic!


4. I've got some cuddly kittens.

(millie)

(franklin)


5. I made some pretty delish dinners this past week.  Some weeks, I'm on point with dinners, cranking good and satisfying meals every day, and some weeks I've got zero inspiration.  I make dinner most nights as Jesse works until after 6pm and I get off at 4.  This week's dinners included: chicken parmesan, grilled salmon with horseradish dill sauce, and spicy sausage and steamed mussels.  All were excellent! (if I do say so myself)

This weekend is going to be a busy one.  This past week was pretty slow.  It seems as if the balance of my time and energy is something I am always struggling with.  I don't give the people in my life enough of myself and I regret that.  At least I can acknowledge it though, right?

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Labor Day Weekend

The weekend has sadly come and gone :(

Though it wasn't the greatest one (not by a LONG shot) it was still the weekend, so I'm not complaining.

Friday night Jesse and I had plans to do a little shopping at Target and the mall when his truck DIED pulling into the WalMart parking lot.  We were actually on our way to Kohl's I think, when his radio shut off, then the whole truck just died because people were driving too slowly pulling into the parking lot of WalMart.  Two very kind men helped Jesse push the truck into a parking space while I used all my muscle strength (which is basically none) to steer the darn thing because the power steering had gone out.  At first we thought it was the battery, but no, according to AAA, we had a bad alternator.  Lots of anger and a tow truck later, we were out a considerable amount for a new alternator to a truck we just purchased a month ago.  Word to the wise - do not purchase a vehicle without at least a hint of a warranty.  It'll come back to bite ya.


Saturday morning was a lazy one, which was nice after the previous night's ordeal.  We cleaned up a bit, lounged around, picked up the truck, and resumed our shopping trip.  Jesse and I got a fair amount of things, but decided we had better not buy up the whole store (as was our original intention) due to the fact that we were out so much money.

Sunday we went to church, had lunch with my parents, brother, and Stef, and then headed over to Jesse's brother's place in Laurel.  We ate pizza, cookie dough, and drank gingerale.  Let's just say my body is still not forgiving myself.  I don't eat the greatest, but I definitely don't always eat as poorly as I did during this past weekend.

Monday was the game!  The O's lost, but we still had a great time, despite the intense heat and humidity.  Why is summer coming back? It's soooo over.




I'm excited for September.  Our 2 year wedding anniversary and Jesse's 25th birthday.  Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party, the MD wine festival, a surprise anniversary trip to see Dirty Dancing on Broadway!!

September is always a good month with lots of celebrating.  But then comes October, and as my brother stated on Sunday at lunch, "October 1 through December 31 is the best time of year".  I wholeheartedly agree.