Life Updates!

Seeing as it is March 1, 2018 and I haven't blogged in months, I think I'll do monthly updates to remind myself of how fast Nina is growing and how life is changing.

It was a good but very busy Christmas. We saw a ton of family and carted Nina everywhere and by 12/26 I was ready to pass out from all the festivities!

We celebrated three birthdays in the last two months, my niece's 6th birthday and my nephew and I have the same birthday. He turned 2 and I turned 29. Yikes, only 1 more year until the big 3-0.

My nephew's birthday was at a firehouse! So fun!

Nina has been off and on sick, honestly since late September. She had hand foot and mouth disease, roseola, and plenty of colds. I CANNOT wait until spring and summer when we can have the windows open and air out this house!

We finally broke Nina of the bottle a couple weeks ago. She would only drink milk from a bottle (no matter how many sippy cups we tried), but the pediatrician suggested we cut that off at 18 months. So we did. She doesn't drink nearly as much milk now, but at least her teeth are saved?

Part of our family (Jesse's brother and his wife and their two children) decided to move down to Florida for a job and we miss them terribly already.

Nina LOVES all things "ousside" as she calls it. Slides, swings, running, kicking balls, carrying sticks. Anything and everything. We have been outside every halfway pleasant day the last two months just praying and praying for better weather.

The first really warm day

Picks up every single piece of mulch ever

HEY!

Nina will be 6 months old tomorrow. She feels brand new and yet, so a part of our lives. I can't believe the wonderful happiness she has brought to our lives. She is an absolute angel and we love her so much. 

She absolutely melts my heart. I love when she sucks on her bottom lip and smiles.

Jesse ended up not going to the 9 week training so he is still home with us. It is great, because he's such a huge help to me, but also I wish he had gone. I know it would have sucked, but he would have been happier furthering his career. Now he just feels stuck and that's hard. Nina absolutely loves her Daddy though, I'm not sure she would have been OK without him!

So much fun!

I'm still learning every day how to be a Mom. I think I'm doing pretty well, but we are struggling right now to get Nina to sleep in the crib. She sleeps in a rock'n play and is just getting too big. I'm still nursing, but that's falling by the wayside as well, she is way too distracted by the world around her to focus on sucking for 30 minutes. She would rather have a quick bottle, then get back to playing!

My whole heart.

Nina Lynn, we love you!

Mommin' Ain't Easy

When Nina was only a few weeks old we took her to the doctor for a wellness check. One of the ladies behind the front desk asked us how we were doing at and that point, Nina wasn't sleeping horribly. She said that we were so lucky and the sleep deprivation was the thing that surprised her the most. I remember thinking, hmm, Nina must just be a great sleeper and we are lucky we don't have to deal with sleep deprivation!

Well.

Nina is going through her 4 month sleep regression and every night is different and every night is a horrible battle. Up every 2-3 hours, up for 2 hours at a time, constantly nursing, fussing, whining, and crying. Jesse and I are both exhausted and at our wits end.

I keep thinking back to that receptionist and her words. Yes, sleep deprivation is hard. I am so tired, I have a headache, and I feel like I could just lay my head down on this desk at work and fall asleep forever.

It's the stuff that comes with the sleep deprivation though. You start to question yourself, your abilities as a parent, why you wanted to become a parent at all. Ugh.


It's that second hour you're rocking and your nipples are sore and you're thinking, wait, do I really want to be a Mom anymore? What if I ran away?

And guess what? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Your mind is completely scrambled like eggs because you have no sleep and your head is throbbing and you have to pee and you can't believe it is already 3am and you have to be up to function like a normal adult in 4 hours.

It doesn't mean you don't love your child. It doesn't mean you aren't a good parent. It doesn't mean you are going to run away or leave your child to cry or any of that.


You're just SO tired.

But then she smiles!

Cue the melting heart

I'm not crying, you're crying

What's Going On

It's been a minute since I've updated and I feel now is the time to document the little things happening in my life.

She loves to stare at us while we smile and talk

Nina is doing well! She's still small, but I believe she will just be a small baby. She is in size 0-3 and 3 months and wears size 1 diapers. She's at home with my mom and Jesse during the week and with me on the weekends. My mom is loving it of course, she adores her. Nina had a couple good days with Jesse so now he thinks he has it down pat. HA! Wait until she fusses all day and won't sleep more than 30 minutes. Just kidding - she is a sweet baby, some days are just harder than others. 

Such a sweet happy baby!

She sleeps during the night! She usually goes a 6-7 hour stretch and then wakes to nurse. I'm with her for 30-45 minutes and then she will go back down for 3-4 hours. Some nights she sleeps 9 hours straight. But those are few and far between. No matter, she is a good sleeper so I won't complain. 

She loves to bring her feet up and kick at the toys hanging

I'm so excited for all the new things she does. She grabs for toys and has noticed her feet and hands. She loves bath time (but HATES to get out) and to read books with us. She is a morning girl and loves to lay in bed with me and Jesse and just hang.

MY LIFE.

I don't write in her baby book. I know, I'm a horrible mother. I keep meaning to and then I find something else to do with my very limited free time. I am going to start tonight. I don't want to forget all the tiny things about her that make her so sweet and happy.

I have been back at work for 1 week now and I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can have a 4 day weekend. I enjoy working, and I really enjoy my free time at work, when I can be by myself and find my groove. I do miss her though and love the updates and pictures.

I am still figuring out the balance between work/mom life/wife life. Some days are harder than others and some days I'm just too tired to do it all. 

I have definitely gained weight. Even though I'm nursing (which is awesome), I eat poorly. Think 25 frosted animal cookies at a time. I'm sorry but they are delicious. My pre-pregnancy jeans fit, but are tight. I think after the holidays I want to eat healthy and exercise. Try to get down even below my pre-pregnancy weight. 

Jesse might be going on a 9 week training starting in January. I am sad and scared. He will miss so much of Nina's life. And I'll be a single mother for a while and that will be hard. I really really really don't want him to go. But I know it will further his career and is inevitable at this point. Ugh.

Other than that, life is good. We are figuring this little girl out and I feel pretty in tune with her needs. She gets cuter and cuter every day I swear. She has become so vocal and we "talk" with each other, she loves to play and she is very interactive and smiles all the time. She is the love of our life!

My beautiful happy bean!

Maternity Leave

I go back to work on Monday. That sucks. I so enjoyed my maternity leave. I loved waking up with my baby and tending to her. Everything was hard, don't get me wrong. But a good hard. Because Nina will smile at me and I remember that I get to be her Mama and she loves me. Which is the greatest feeling in the whole world.

But I have to go back and that's OK. I'll enjoy working again and handling problems and talking to adults. I'll enjoy my drives to work and the time alone (you get NO alone time as a mom unless she is sleeping and then honestly I'm doing stuff around the house.)

I thought I was going to accomplish so much on maternity leave. Clean and organize the house, watch a lot of movies, go places and visit people. Honestly? I didn't do any of that. I managed to take care of Nina, cook dinner on occasion, and walk the dog. But that's ok. I realize I have the rest of my life to clean the house, watch the movies and visit people. But I won't have these last three months of her life ever again. I can't believe she is 3 months old and yet I feel like she has been in our lives forever.

Point is - I love her, I'll miss her smiling face, and I can't wait until 5pm Monday already.

Nina Lynn, A Birth Story Part 2

Jesse is absolutely amazing with her.

I love her milk drunk faces.

She is so serious.

OK! Part 2, here we go.

The doctor came in at 5am on Sunday morning and let me know she was going to start me on a medication called Cytotek. It was to help soften my cervix so that I could dilate hopefully on my own and become fully effaced. I took the medication and tried to go back to sleep.

Here's the thing about hospitals, you can't sleep. You're hooked up to IVs, a blood pressure cuff, there are so many monitors beeping and lights in your eyes, and the nurses check  you every 2 hours. I know that's their job, but come on. I was exhausted. I basically got no rest after I took the medication. The contractions were about 6-7 minutes apart at that point and I would breathe through them. Not awful, but not pleasant. 

My mom came to the hospital early that morning to hang out with me while Jesse went home to let the dog out and get some extra pillows (he got no sleep either). Things started to get painful. The nurse had me walk the halls to "open me up" but it was so painful. I would have to stop every 3 minutes to grip the wall and breathe through a new contraction. By 12pm, I was done. I was exhausted, my entire body hurt, I couldn't bear it any longer. Finally Jesse walked through the door and I burst into tears. The weight of the last 3 days had come to a head and I sobbed in Jesse's arms. The doctor ordered the epidural and the anesthesiologist was able to administer the medicine (after 3 tries and a lot more tears).  

I remember feeling the medicine course through me and my body relaxed. I laid down flat and fell asleep finally. The rest of Sunday afternoon and evening is sort of a blur. I did my best to get some rest but the massive amounts of pressure in my bottom would overwhelm me at times. The anesthesiologist would come in and give me a "boost" of epidural and it would relax me enough to fall asleep, only to wake up 2 hours later and need it again. But he came in every time like my own personal drug dealer. It was amazing.

My water broke some time during the evening. I remember the nurse checking me and saying she could feel it. She scratched it with her fingernail and it broke. At one point the anesthesiologist and Jesse helped me to sit up, and out gushed everything! It was the oddest feeling.

During the evening and through the night the nurse and doctor would check me every 2 hours. I was dilating 1 centimeter every 2 hours. It was an excruciatingly long night. Finally, at 5:30am, after using the birthing peanut, having pitocin pumped in me all night, and no sleep, I was 10 centimeters. 

I started pushing around 6:15am. I have to stop here and tell you how incredible Jesse was. The entire time he put up with my pain, my complaining, my tears, and when it came time to push, he held my legs, counted through each push and contraction, kept his eyes on me, fed me ice chips, got me anything I wanted or needed. He stayed by my side the entire two hours I pushed. He held my hand, fanned me with a pillow when I got hot, encouraged me when the epidural ran out half way through pushing, and talked me through crowning. I can't even explain how supportive he was, it reduces me to tears. 

About an hour and a half into pushing, I felt liquid leaking out. The doctor told me our baby girl had made a bowl movement in the womb and we needed to speed things up a bit. They broke the bed down, and got ready for delivery. I got worried. I had read about meconium poisoning and how horrible it could be for her. I got so nervous, I kept asking the doctors and nurses what was happening, how close she was to coming out. They told me not to worry, but that Jesse couldn't cut the cord because they had to get her right to the nursery team to make sure she was OK. The time between the meconium leaking and her crowning is so blurry. I pushed with everything I had. I remember her crowning and the nurse giving me a play by play, "her ears are out, now her eyes, her nose, her mouth!" 

I pushed as hard as I could, but suddenly the nurse pushed the bed back as far as it would go, there was a flurry of movement, they told me to bear down hard on my stomach and I felt it. The doctor cut me and I screamed in pain. The nurses were pushing on my stomach and Jesse was telling me to push hard and I felt her little legs come out. They grabbed her and took her away and we finally heard her cry. Jesse's face in that moment is something I'll never forget. I told him to run over and see her while they cleaned me up. The doctor had to cut me laterally in two places because she had shoulder dystocia. Basically her little shoulder got stuck and they had to get her out immediately. 

The aftermath was sort of a blur. They stitched me and cleaned me up, I nursed our daughter and they moved us to the postpartum room. She weighed 7 lbs, 1 oz, was 20 inches long, and born at 8:23am. 

Here's the thing. This was a long post, but my labor was long and hard. Maybe not as long and hard as some, but I wasn't expecting to labor for 72 hours. When it was all said and done, I was so happy she was here. But I won't be having another baby for awhile I think!

She is so perfect. She makes the most adorable noises, she was worth every single night of heartburn, every swollen toe, every minute of those 3 days of pain.  Nina is here and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I stare at her and just tear up because I love her so much.

Things are so different now. Our lives revolve around this little peanut, and even though it's hard sometimes, and I'm more tired now than ever, I seriously wouldn't trade anything. 

Nina Lynn: A Birth Story, Part 1

Nina Lynn

Our beautiful daughter was born August 8, 2016 at 8:23am.

Buckle in, this is going to be a long one.

The Thursday before my due date (8/4) I was having back pains and very mild contractions, mainly Braxton Hicks. So I texted my boss and told her I would work from home that day just in case. I had a really busy day at the office on Wednesday, so I was just attributing the pain to that, thinking I had overworked my body. Thursday passed and I felt fairly relaxed all day, even managing to watch my 5 month old nephew for an hour or so while his mom went to a doctor's appointment. By the end of the day, I was back on the birthing ball, hoping something would start!

Friday morning around 3:30am I woke up with contractions every 7-10 minutes. They were painful, but totally manageable and I breathed through them until about 6:30am when I finally got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I had been slowly losing my mucus plug for days and when I wiped, I saw bright blood. I may have jumped the gun a bit, but I was nervous, so I called the doctor and he asked me to come into the hospital to just get checked. Jesse had gone to work around 5:15am, but I asked him to keep his phone on him at all times just in case. When I called he kept saying, did your water break? But are you sure? I wasn't sure, but the doctor said to come in, and I wanted to be better safe than sorry. When we left for the hospital, the contractions were 6 minutes apart. By the time the doctor checked me, they were 10 minutes apart and I was still only 50% effaced and not dilated. And thus began my 3 day prodromal labor.

Prodromal labor is a labor with real contractions that can happen as close as 2 minutes apart, but the intensity of the contractions isn't enough to where your body can dilate quickly and on its own. Therefore, at one point I had contractions every 2 minutes, but was only 1.5 centimeters dilated with no end in sight.

They sent us home from the hospital and Jesse got me Dunkin' Donuts to cheer me up. The worst part was being sent home. I had called my mom and told her what happened, she had gotten excited, and I had to squash it. The rest of Friday I just tried to relax, but contractions would still happen every 7-10 minutes so it was almost impossible. Jesse and I laid around and took a long walk trying to start something, hoping my water would break. We went to bed around 11pm and I was thinking, this is my life now. Contractions every 10 minutes and nothing to show for it.

I woke up Saturday morning at 1:30am. The contractions were definitely stronger and were now 5 minutes apart. I waited it out. I did not want to be sent home again. Finally around 3:30 I called the hospital in massive pain. They were so strong and so close together, 4 and a half minutes. The doctor asked me to come in (a different doctor than the day before). I woke Jesse up, he loaded us in the car as he had done the day before, and we got to the hospital. By the time I undressed and they checked me, they had slowed way down. Maybe every 7 minutes. I was so disappointed. I had dilated to 1.5 centimeters though, but by this point I had been in labor for basically 24 hours, running on no sleep.

We hung out in a labor and delivery room until around 8am and the doctor gave me two options. Go home and try to rest or start pitocin and see if it works. I wanted to avoid pitocin like the plague, so we opted to go home.

Saturday we slept (me until around 12 and Jesse until about 2) and my mom brought us dinner. She knew how disappointed we were and how exhausting it had been. I was STILL having contractions. Every 5-7 minutes, but I did NOT want to go back to the hospital. Finally around 9:30pm, I had enough.The contractions were hitting 2-3 minutes apart. I was terrified. They were painful and my sister-in-law kept texting me to go to the hospital. I told her no, this isn't it. She insisted and I called the doctor. I remember telling the doctor though tears, I can't be discharged again. She assured me I wouldn't be.

We managed to make it to the hospital though I'm not sure how. I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. They wheeled me to Triage and I remember the nurse saying, you won't be with me for long! You're going to have this baby soon! I told her no, it's prodromal labor. Don't get my hopes up.

Sure enough, I was still only 1.5 centimeters dilated. But they admitted me and gave me a super cool medication that allowed me to zonk out for around an hour and a half. My body was so tired. I had been contracting for 48 hours on almost no sleep. Around 5am the doctor flipped the lights on and told me her plan.

To be continued!