Mommin' Ain't Easy

When Nina was only a few weeks old we took her to the doctor for a wellness check. One of the ladies behind the front desk asked us how we were doing at and that point, Nina wasn't sleeping horribly. She said that we were so lucky and the sleep deprivation was the thing that surprised her the most. I remember thinking, hmm, Nina must just be a great sleeper and we are lucky we don't have to deal with sleep deprivation!

Well.

Nina is going through her 4 month sleep regression and every night is different and every night is a horrible battle. Up every 2-3 hours, up for 2 hours at a time, constantly nursing, fussing, whining, and crying. Jesse and I are both exhausted and at our wits end.

I keep thinking back to that receptionist and her words. Yes, sleep deprivation is hard. I am so tired, I have a headache, and I feel like I could just lay my head down on this desk at work and fall asleep forever.

It's the stuff that comes with the sleep deprivation though. You start to question yourself, your abilities as a parent, why you wanted to become a parent at all. Ugh.


It's that second hour you're rocking and your nipples are sore and you're thinking, wait, do I really want to be a Mom anymore? What if I ran away?

And guess what? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Your mind is completely scrambled like eggs because you have no sleep and your head is throbbing and you have to pee and you can't believe it is already 3am and you have to be up to function like a normal adult in 4 hours.

It doesn't mean you don't love your child. It doesn't mean you aren't a good parent. It doesn't mean you are going to run away or leave your child to cry or any of that.


You're just SO tired.

But then she smiles!

Cue the melting heart

I'm not crying, you're crying

What's Going On

It's been a minute since I've updated and I feel now is the time to document the little things happening in my life.

She loves to stare at us while we smile and talk

Nina is doing well! She's still small, but I believe she will just be a small baby. She is in size 0-3 and 3 months and wears size 1 diapers. She's at home with my mom and Jesse during the week and with me on the weekends. My mom is loving it of course, she adores her. Nina had a couple good days with Jesse so now he thinks he has it down pat. HA! Wait until she fusses all day and won't sleep more than 30 minutes. Just kidding - she is a sweet baby, some days are just harder than others. 

Such a sweet happy baby!

She sleeps during the night! She usually goes a 6-7 hour stretch and then wakes to nurse. I'm with her for 30-45 minutes and then she will go back down for 3-4 hours. Some nights she sleeps 9 hours straight. But those are few and far between. No matter, she is a good sleeper so I won't complain. 

She loves to bring her feet up and kick at the toys hanging

I'm so excited for all the new things she does. She grabs for toys and has noticed her feet and hands. She loves bath time (but HATES to get out) and to read books with us. She is a morning girl and loves to lay in bed with me and Jesse and just hang.

MY LIFE.

I don't write in her baby book. I know, I'm a horrible mother. I keep meaning to and then I find something else to do with my very limited free time. I am going to start tonight. I don't want to forget all the tiny things about her that make her so sweet and happy.

I have been back at work for 1 week now and I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can have a 4 day weekend. I enjoy working, and I really enjoy my free time at work, when I can be by myself and find my groove. I do miss her though and love the updates and pictures.

I am still figuring out the balance between work/mom life/wife life. Some days are harder than others and some days I'm just too tired to do it all. 

I have definitely gained weight. Even though I'm nursing (which is awesome), I eat poorly. Think 25 frosted animal cookies at a time. I'm sorry but they are delicious. My pre-pregnancy jeans fit, but are tight. I think after the holidays I want to eat healthy and exercise. Try to get down even below my pre-pregnancy weight. 

Jesse might be going on a 9 week training starting in January. I am sad and scared. He will miss so much of Nina's life. And I'll be a single mother for a while and that will be hard. I really really really don't want him to go. But I know it will further his career and is inevitable at this point. Ugh.

Other than that, life is good. We are figuring this little girl out and I feel pretty in tune with her needs. She gets cuter and cuter every day I swear. She has become so vocal and we "talk" with each other, she loves to play and she is very interactive and smiles all the time. She is the love of our life!

My beautiful happy bean!

Maternity Leave

I go back to work on Monday. That sucks. I so enjoyed my maternity leave. I loved waking up with my baby and tending to her. Everything was hard, don't get me wrong. But a good hard. Because Nina will smile at me and I remember that I get to be her Mama and she loves me. Which is the greatest feeling in the whole world.

But I have to go back and that's OK. I'll enjoy working again and handling problems and talking to adults. I'll enjoy my drives to work and the time alone (you get NO alone time as a mom unless she is sleeping and then honestly I'm doing stuff around the house.)

I thought I was going to accomplish so much on maternity leave. Clean and organize the house, watch a lot of movies, go places and visit people. Honestly? I didn't do any of that. I managed to take care of Nina, cook dinner on occasion, and walk the dog. But that's ok. I realize I have the rest of my life to clean the house, watch the movies and visit people. But I won't have these last three months of her life ever again. I can't believe she is 3 months old and yet I feel like she has been in our lives forever.

Point is - I love her, I'll miss her smiling face, and I can't wait until 5pm Monday already.