First Corinthians

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 1-13

I'm sure you've read/heard/listened to/seen that verse in many places in your life. I know I have. I've heard it at countless weddings, in tons of movies, in songs, and in church. I've also read it in the quietness of my own home. 

But I don't think I ever absorbed it until just now. Literally just this moment. 

The last line. And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

I've just never noticed before how true that statement is. The three things I need the most in my life are faith, hope, and love. 

In my struggle with infertility, I face these every single day in a way. This struggle constantly tests my faith, hope, and love. I am constantly struggling with losing my hope. To look at the future and wonder if we will ever be parents. But isn't that what keeps us going? The sheer fact that we can hope, that we can believe in things and keep our faith even when everyone and everything around us is telling us not to hope. 

And my love. My husband. The one person in the world that I am struggling through with. The one person that knows exactly what we want, what we are hoping for and what we have faith in. He is my love and I am his and without him, my faith and hope wouldn't matter. Because the greatest of these is love. 

Starting Over

I've been neglecting myself lately. Work has been busy (which I'm very grateful for), my marriage has needed some work and overall I haven't had motivation to do much of anything.

I stopped working out and eating healthy. That's never good. I basically gave up on getting pregnant. I was tired. I would basically go to work, come home, and crawl into the shell that is myself and stay there until we go to bed at night.

I guess I'm just writing this to say that I need a change.

I don't want to change my job, I love it.
I can't change my marriage, I wouldn't want to.
I can't change my living situation, I love my house.

Maybe I need a vacation?  I don't know.

Anyway,  so this happened, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to my husband and me on Sunday. Talk about devastating. I cried for hours after they left. My husband just sat there and let me cry. Which was nice, but made me feel even guiltier.

Just to clarify, I'm not angry she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a year after suffering a miscarriage last June. This was the plan. This was supposed to happen.

I'm angry because I am not pregnant. I'm sad because it isn't me that gets to tell Jesse we are pregnant and see the look on his face. I'm disappointed that another woman in my life gets to have a child and I'm left standing at the starting line.

I love my sister-in-law so much and she has been exceedingly gracious towards me which I truly appreciate. But I can't help feeling this way.

I pray. I ask God for an explanation. For forgiveness for feeling jealousy. For a baby.

I went to acupuncture yesterday. It was recommended to me by my sister-in-law (the pregnant one) because she said she went twice and got pregnant.

It was good I guess. I was told that it's possible I am blood deficient and was given herbs to take (yuck).

So I'll take the herbs and I'll go to acupuncture and I'll take ovulation tests and I'll really try to give this another shot. I am so tired of feeling sad about not being pregnant and yet I haven't been doing anything about it because I feel sad. Vicious cycle.

I think the biggest reason I stopped trying (other than the chemical pregnancy last November) was because I was tired of the disappointment. If I'm not trying, I can't be disappointed when I will eventually get my period. But all that really happened is that I felt disappointed anyway and it caused fights between me and Jesse.

So I'm going to start again and I'm going to keep track of everything. Wish me luck!