The Worst Week

This week has been rough.  

Sunday night was spent in the ER with severe pelvic pain that was due to a ruptured blood vessel in my uterus.

We also found out that we were pregnant.

I say were, because we are no longer pregnant.

When the nurse practitioner, who was such a sweet woman, came in and told me that my hCG level was 269.9, I burst into tears.  This is what we were waiting for, we had dreamed and prayed for this moment for so long.  Jesse and I just hugged and I sat there stunned. I had a million questions.  

How could this happen? We just had a failed IUI. She reassured me, this was not from the IUI, that we had conceived naturally.

She told me she wanted us to follow up with another hCG test in a couple of days.  So I took Monday off (because I was exhausted after our 5 and a half hour ER trip the night before) and went to the fertility doctor on Wednesday morning.

The whole time, I was dreaming of this baby.  I was very hesitant, even telling Jesse not to get his hopes up, but I was still dreaming.  How we would tell our families, how we would do a Christmas themed announcement on Facebook.  The baby's birthday would be July, what a sweet summer baby it would be.

Wednesday morning, when I went in for the blood test, the nurse reassured me that yes, we are definitely pregnant.

Then I got an email from her stating our hCg level was 78.  78.  It was 78.

I was expecting something so different.

She explained it was a chemical pregnancy, that basically the embryo had a problem and stopped growing.  There was no way of knowing why and that it happens all the time.  

I told my mom this morning.  She couldn't understand. I told Jesse yesterday. He couldn't understand.

I can't understand.

We prayed so hard for this baby, and now nothing.  Apparently the good news is that we were able to conceive naturally.  Basically I just feel like lying down in my bed forever.  It's been hard to come in to work and pretend like nothing happened.  Like I didn't lose everything I had been wishing for for the last year and a half and also my whole life.

Basically, this just sucks and I'm sad.  I don't know how to move on and what the future holds.  I don't know where I'm at in my cycle and how I'll feel next week or even tomorrow because right now I just feel like a bus hit me.  

Also? I'm just over it. I'm over the whole thing. I want to shut the door to the room that is supposed to be the "nursery" and lock it and paint over it and burn it and tear it down and just forget that I ever even wanted a baby.

My body is sore. I'm drained emotionally, physically, mentally.  I'm just drained.

Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky! (Part 3)

OK!  So part 3 of this 5 day trip that apparently needs to be split into multiple posts because my 10 million thoughts can't just be condensed.

We went (with a large party) to the Woodford Reserve and toured the grounds and sampled the bourbon.  So beautiful and so much fun! The road there was lined with gorgeous horse farms and even a castle! It was crazy, and had we had more time, I would definitely have inspected that castle.

Crazy castle

Beautiful dual sided fireplace

Tons of bourbon!

Even more bourbon.

My bourbon taster!

Gorgeous landscape

Afterward we went back to Shakespeare & Co. for dinner, not by choice. The meal wasn't great, and I'm a little disappointed this was our last dinner in Kentucky.

The next day we woke up bright and early to head back to Louisville to visit the Louisville slugger museum, grab some lunch, and then fly home.

The museum was very interesting and we even got to touch some famous bats.  And if you're military, flash that thing everywhere!  Kentucky is very military discount friendly.

We ate lunch at a restaurant called...something I can't remember...but it was right in downtown Louisville, and it was a burger place. It was also delicious. So much good food on this trip.

Skyline in Louisville, KY

My other half

We were a little hectic getting back to the airport, we took a wrong turn, crossed the Ohio river, and ended up in Indiana!

But we made it home finally around 9pm or so. And I have been exhausted ever since!

No, not really, but I am quite tired from that and a little ER trip we took last Sunday night.  So far, it's been an eventful October. I'm looking forward to slowing way down in November.

Also, these kitters are excited we are home. 

Babies

Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky!! (Part 2)

Going from where I left off..

Saturday morning we woke up and I had really wanted to get some donuts I read about at a place called Spalding Bakery.  Apparently they were the "best glazed donuts ever".  Honestly?  They were.

They were still warm too.

We waited in line for 30 minutes, but that donut was worth it.  It was fairly large, which was nice, and not like any glazed donut you've probably ever had.  It was sort of crunchy outside with a super moist, super delicious inside.  It tasted divine.  I'm so sad I only had one.

Then we went over to North Lime Coffee & Donuts.  I ordered a pumpkin cheesecake donut and Jesse had the caramel maple pecan bourbon donutty-thing.  Both were good, but not as good as Spalding. We really enjoyed Spalding.

So then we went back to the hotel, got fixed up and met our very large party at Shakespeare & Co. for lunch.  My parents, brother and his girlfriend, and six of our family friends flew in Saturday morning for the wedding.  We decided to meet for lunch and I picked this restaurant because it got pretty good reviews and was supposed to be perfect for lunch.  I ordered the caprese salad which was just OK. Everyone else seemed to enjoy their meal though, so that was good, and it was basically just fun to be all together again.  We only get to see each other a couple times a year, so it was nice just to spend time together.

The menu

So basically these people are adults that my mother went to college with and their significant others and children.  I didn't have a large family growing up.  My mother is an only child and my father's brothers and sister are pretty spread out across the East coast.  So these people sort of made up my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I've known them since birth and I love them all.

Anyway, after lunch, we drove back to the hotel, rested for a bit, then got ready for the wedding.  I wore a new dress I had purchased at Loft, I wish I had the common sense to wear tights though, because ti was COLD.  The ceremony was outside, as was the dancing. Dinner, however, was held inside this gorgeous old house turned art gallery.  It was absolutely delicious.  Shrimp and grits, slow cooked bourbon chicken thighs, roast beef, potato salad, and chocolate dipped ginger cookies. MMMM Yum. I don't think I've had that good of a meal at a wedding in a very long time.

Love this cutie.

The beautiful couple.

Like I said, we had a lot to drink. Also, look at the mason jars!

So basically what I'm saying is, we ate our way through Kentucky.

The wedding was fun, we ate way too much food, and drank way too much bourbon.  It was a real Kentucky wedding though, with Mint Julep drinks, a bluegrass band, and a biscuit bar.  So much fun.

Sunday, we woke up and went to brunch at the Village Idiot again, which was very good.  Jesse got the Chilaquiles (the meat was so good) and I got the Korean fried chicken biscuits (also delicious, how many times can I say that word?).

We drove around for a little bit to look at the murals in the city and then made our way to Woodford Reserve distillery.

Beautiful Lincoln mural.

OK - that's a pretty long post for now, I'll split this into a third. Ridiculous.

Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky!

Last Thursday morning we woke up early early early.
We drove to Jesse's brother's apartment in Baltimore to drop off our car and had him drop us off at the airport. By 10:30 AM, we were in our rental car in Louisville, KY!

It was a bit rainy so we stopped by a barbecue place called Red State about 15 minutes from our hotel in Lexington. The food was pretty good, but I don't think it was as amazing as TripAdvisor said it would be. I got the pulled pork and Jesse got the beef brisket.  Afterwards we decided to go shopping (I needed some face primer) at the "BIGGEST MALL IN KENTUCKY".  Um. It was a tad small to be quite honest. But it suited our needs, so we walked around until we basically couldn't walk anymore because we were so tired.

Rainy day, but beautiful horse farms everywhere.

Pulled pork, potato salad, and beer cheese grits

We checked into our hotel and laid around for over 3 hours.  We were tired.

Finally we got up and went to enjoy a delicious dinner at a restaurant called Saul Good in downtown Lexington. And it was delicious. Jesse got the chicken and waffles and I got a steak sandwich. Plus we got southwest dip to share. Yum.

Yum.

Yum.

Friday morning, we woke up and decided to check out the Mary Todd Lincoln house. It was so interesting but unfortunately we weren't allowed to take pictures.  Jesse and I both enjoy history and learning about our country, so this was the perfect one hour tour.  We had lunch at a fast food place called Zaxby's that I had heard about from a friend who visited the south many years ago. There aren't any Zaxby's where I live, so I knew we had to see what the fuss was about. It was good! I don't know if it was better or worse than Chik-Fil-A, but definitely filled our lunch craving.

It was a gorgeous day and the house was so beautiful.

Zaxby's!

After lunch we headed over to Keeneland.  I don't know if you know about Keeneland (I didn't) but it's kind of a big deal.  There were thousands of people there, mainly getting drunk, but I think some actually enjoyed betting and watching the races.  We met up with some of our friends (whose sister/daughter was getting married that Saturday, and was the main reason we went to Kentucky).  I had fun. Sort of. I don't think I'm all that into horse racing.  But let me tell you, the track and surrounding areas were beautiful. And for $5 a pop (or free if you're military!) it was worth it just to see the "big deal" of Kentucky.

Little statue outside the gift shop.

This doesn't even come close to capturing just how beautiful the grounds were.

Me and my wonderful husband.

We only stayed at Keeneland for about an hour, because we just weren't too interested in watching horses race.  We headed over to the Town Branch Distillery (where we also got in for free, I may just move to Kentucky to take advantage of the great military discounts)  to taste their beer and bourbon. Now, I'm not much of a beer or bourbon drinker, but hell, I was on vacation. (plus not pregnant) There were 5 beers to try and we tried them all, except for the IPA because, ew.  Jesse thoroughly enjoyed all of them, especially the bourbon barrel ale.  That seemed to be a huge hit with everyone in our group for the entire trip.  He also enjoyed the bourbons, and I enjoyed the tour.  I'm not a big drinker but I tried!

Town Branch Distillery

What will eventually become bourbon. It just looks nasty now though.

These horses were everywhere and all decorated differently.

The man taking our picture was a "professional in a past life."

Jesse enjoying the bourbon.

One of the many, many barrels we saw on our trip.

That night we headed over to the Village Idiot for dinner (which was deelish) and then to the Joseph-Beth bookstore, which is really like a big Borders, but we don't have Borders anymore.  It was pretty expensive, but I had a good time just looking at all the books, especially the cookbooks.

My burger with pulled pork on top.

Jesse's quail & waffles.  He had an obsession with this dish.

Goofy husband being goofy.

Beautiful horse

OK - this is getting long.  For a 5 day trip, I somehow have to spread this into 2 posts.

...

The blood test was negative.

I don't really have anything to say at this point. 

Nothin'

I haven't posted, because there really isn't anything to post about.

Negative test last Wednesday - depressing.
Missed period on Saturday - excited? Not really, more like anxious.
Negative test on Sunday - depressing.

I emailed my nurse on Monday morning and asked her what all this meant (including a bunch of pelvic pain/cramps) and she stated the reason I've missed my period is either the progesterone I'm taking or that I'm pregnant.  So ya know, either or. No big deal.

I go for my official blood test tomorrow. Right before I leave for vacation, of course. So either it will be a fun vacation or an escape.  We'll see.

Let me feel something!

I've had no symptoms. Not a one.

This is weird right? It's been almost a week and I haven't had a single pregnancy or PMS symptom.  I'm trying to notice any little thing, but aside from a slight, tiny pain in my left ovary, there is nothing.

I truly don't know if this worked or will work or is working.

I have so far, been at peace about this whole thing.  I've resisted testing. I think I don't want to see that negative so badly, that I have no urge to test at all.

I'm sort of just expecting my period to show up on Saturday like this whole thing never happened.  How sad is that?!

H54F!

This week's high five for Friday is all over the dang place! So let's get started.


1. The IUI procedure. (you knew I had to mention it right?) Even if this doesn't work, though I am praying it does, at least we tried.  At least we know now that I ovulate later than normal and that I grow eggs on my own and they mature on their own. At least we know.

2. I rescued this gal!  (Yes, it is a girl, it was confirmed by the vet.) Well technically, the rescue place in the town where I live rescued her, but I called them because she was in the construction yard where I work and she didn't look great. They picked her up and I hope she finds a nice family.

I called her Booger. She had an upper respiratory infection.

3. This maxi skirt.  Oh my gosh are we talking comfortable.  I've worn it twice, it's very chic (in my humble opinion) and I can't wait to wear it a ton more. Plus, I bought it on sale.

via

4. Kentucky in 2 weeks! Friends of ours are getting married in Kentucky and we decided to make a trip of it. We're leaving mid-October for 5 days.  I'm so excited for this slightly impromptu trip with the one I love the most.

5. My job.  I have one of the most supportive and understanding bosses in the world.  I've been here almost 6 months and I finally feel like I'm really jiving with everyone.  It feels good.

Linking up with TheLaurenElizabeth.com!

About Time

Yesterday was the IUI procedure.  I was pretty nervous leading up to it, I could barely concentrate at work.

I left my office at 12:32, arrived at the office at 12:47, laid down on the table at 1:02 and the procedure was over at 1:03.  I felt basically nothing, no pain, which was really nice.  They had me lay down on the table for an additional 5 minutes just to make sure nothing leaked out.

I probably could have gone back to work, but I went home and laid in bed for the next 4 hours! Not my finest hour, but I can't resist a good relaxing session, and I wanted to make sure I was calm and relaxed for a possible conception!

Jesse is so faithful, he is sure it's going to work.  I want it to work so badly, but I also don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm basically just going to stay positive and faithful and most of all CALM.  I'm not going to freak out with the two week wait.  I'm going to wait until the 11th to officially test because that is the projected day of the start of my next cycle.

In the meantime, we watched a movie last night called "About Time".  It's a romantic comedy (but not like you think) starring Rachel McAdams and another British man I don't know.  

Every time I had seen it at RedBox, I thought, ugh, this is probably a crappy Nicholas Sparks movie, I don't even want to try it. But we caught it on HBO and I'm glad we did.  The message of the movie, the acting, the dialogue, was all very good.  Afterwards I cried.  For nothing in particular really, just that the message was that good and it is something that sort of took Jesse and I back and made us see the perspective of our lives.  

So 8.5/10 in my book.

T for Today

Holy shit.

Today is the day I am doing the IUI procedure.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

I'm scared, excited, nervous, happy.  

My appointment is at 1pm and I'm leaving work at 12:30 and I just can't believe it's already 9:15.  

Holy shit.