Weekends

This weekend was a busy one.  Don't they all feel that way?

Friday night I got home from work and was STARVING. So we had hot dogs on the grill and steamed broccoli.  And it was perfect. Sometimes the easiest dinners are the best. It also continues the Frankfurter Friday tradition that my sister-in-law came up with.  I ended up going to bed around 10pm because I was just ding dang exhausted.

Saturday we woke up bright and early to a rainy, cloudy, cold day. Alright, it was 68 degrees, but it was also the first day of summer so I expected a little bit more out of this Maryland weather. On my way to work on Friday I saw a sign for a vintage barn sale.  I immediately looked it up and was very excited about all of the adorable furniture and knick knacks.  I convinced my husband to go with me and we were there for almost 2 hours just looking at everything.  There was A TON of stuff. I probably could have spent all day there.

We purchased a multitude of items, but the one I was most excited about was this:

I have it hanging above my stove in my kitchen and for $14, I'd say it was a darn good purchase.

We also got new (old) end tables for our living room.  I've decided the colors are dark blue, dark grey, and orange.  Very comfortable, yet chic in my opinion. 

We purchased a gorgeous antique cabinet for our upstairs hallway to store towels, linens, and candles.  It has glass doors on top, drawers in the middle, and an enclosed space on the bottom.  I love it and all of the details.

We also purchased two rocking chairs for my nieces, they are 4 and 2.  Their mother, my other sister-in-law, mentioned something about getting rocking chairs for her girls and I found two great ones.  And for under $50 for both, I'd say it was a success.



On Saturday night and Sunday we spent time with family and friends, hung out with some kittens, and got to bed very late. 

Loved my weekend, but it was a tad exhausting.  I feel as if I need 3 days. Or maybe I should just do less?  Not sure. Need to find more of a balance between relaxing and doing.

Also need to exercise more.  But that is a WHOLE other beast.

My Mother

Last night Jesse had to work the late shift (14 hours) so I ate half of a pizza and went over to my mother's house.  Her next door neighbor recently got two kittens and I was dying to see them!  My kittens aren't really kittens anymore, they are a year old, so I was surprised to see two tiny fur balls rolling around and think, "geez, mine were like that only a year ago!"

Afterwards my mom and I hung signs up around her neighborhood because our cat is missing. We think she ran out on Sunday night when everyone was over for Father's Day.  She is 15 and isn't an outdoor cat so we aren't sure what she was thinking.  We miss her!

We drove around in my car and hung up the signs, then parked in her driveway and talked.  She knows what Jesse and I are going through, TTC-wise.  She and my father went through the same thing, but for 5 years! (I definitely don't think I can wait 5 years).  It is so nice to have someone to talk to who knows EXACTLY what I am going through.  She usually says everything I am thinking but am too ashamed to say.

My mom and I are basically the same person.  We have the same body shape, most of the same personality traits and characteristics and laugh at the same things.  She is the one person I tell everything to and she is super supportive.  I'm always thinking about what my mother would say whenever I get into a sticky situation. And she's usually right. Dang mothers!

But seriously, I can only hope to be like her when I become a mother. And I wish everyone had a mother like her!

Tuesdays

I'm pretty sure Tuesdays are the worst day of the week.
Let me break it down:

Monday - You're just getting back from the weekend. It's OK to be a little tired, you had a ton of fun over the 2-day break! 

Wednesday - Alright man, this is hump day! You're halfway through. You're staring at Thursday and Friday which we both know are super easy.

Thursday - On Thursdays we get some work done.  We feel energized, the weekend is coming! This is the 4th day. I am Super Woman. I made it through 4 whole days of work.

Friday - Laaaaid back.  Fridays are for wrapping up projects, deciding to do things next week, not making any promises, and leaving work early.

Saturday - Perrrrfect for sleeping in.  Perrrrfect for throwing the windows open (when applicable) and breathing new life into your house. Taking naps on the sofa with your kittens, going out to dinner, getting a drink with friends. Perusing yard sales and shops. 

Sunday - Church. Praising God. Awesome cookout food. Hanging out with my parents and husband and playing games until our brains are numb. Cherishing the last few hours of weekend.

But Tuesdays? Tuesdays are awful.  Tuesdays are the days when the week has just begun really.  If you don't get work done today, when can you get it done? You can't make the same excuses you do on Monday. If you're tired, that's your own fault.  If you're behind, that's your own fault.  Nothing good happens on a Tuesday.

The results are in...

The semen analysis my husband had last Wednesday proves one thing.

That my husband is perfectly healthy.

I am so happy.  He passed with flying colors.  All 10 tests done came up totally normal. 

.....

That leaves one resulting feeling.  The problem can only be me.

TTC

342 days. TTC for 342 days. So far, DH and I have had blood tests and a semen analysis done. I feel as if we are opening a can of worms.  Like we are entering a new world of pain and waiting that we never even knew about. It isn't as easy as the "3-Step Process" the doctor has explained.  Later this month I will have the procedure to check if both my fallopian tubes are open.  Hopefully his semen analysis results are good and it will be one less thing to worry about. I don't know if I could handle a problem with my husband.  I can handle a problem with my body. I will figure out how to cope.  But to cope with infertility, while being supportive to my husband, and making sure he still feels like a man, and figuring out the next steps in correcting his infertility? Not sure if I can do that. But the Lord will teach me how to handle everything. And he won't give me something he knows I can't handle.  Every day we pray for a baby, and every day I wake up without one.  In April, when I missed my period, I felt so guilty. I had prayed for a baby forever. I was so happy it might have actually happened this time. And yet, somewhere some little voice inside me kept saying I wasn't ready.  Was I ready for the full weight of the responsibility of growing and raising a child? Did I fully understand the financial and physical and emotional and mental toll of having a new baby?

But WAIT, what was wrong with me?! This is what I want!

But WAIT! You're not pregnant. After 4 negatives and a week late period. I was definitely NOT pregnant. Many tears and coming to terms.

So much time wasted researching. So much energy wasted worrying. Could I have possibly worried the baby out of my body? No, that's silly.  But I better look up on the internet if that can happen...

So now, 342 days after the day I decided to stop taking my birth control, here we are. No baby yet, doctors who tell me not to worry, I'm young.  Friends saying, "relax, it will happen!"  I'm sorry, but when will people learn, that isn't all it takes!!!

Every new month, a new hope.  Every period, a let down.  I'm not the only one, and I know that. And yet, I feel alone. My husband shares this want with me.  It is what we pray for the most.  Still, I feel alone. As if this struggle is my own.

 But it isn't my own. It's God's too.  He struggles alongside me. He knows if and when we will have a child. And yet he pains when he sees my pain. That gets me through.  And the sweet kisses from DH.

Soon we will receive feedback from the semen analysis. Praying everything looks ok.