The Worst Week

This week has been rough.  

Sunday night was spent in the ER with severe pelvic pain that was due to a ruptured blood vessel in my uterus.

We also found out that we were pregnant.

I say were, because we are no longer pregnant.

When the nurse practitioner, who was such a sweet woman, came in and told me that my hCG level was 269.9, I burst into tears.  This is what we were waiting for, we had dreamed and prayed for this moment for so long.  Jesse and I just hugged and I sat there stunned. I had a million questions.  

How could this happen? We just had a failed IUI. She reassured me, this was not from the IUI, that we had conceived naturally.

She told me she wanted us to follow up with another hCG test in a couple of days.  So I took Monday off (because I was exhausted after our 5 and a half hour ER trip the night before) and went to the fertility doctor on Wednesday morning.

The whole time, I was dreaming of this baby.  I was very hesitant, even telling Jesse not to get his hopes up, but I was still dreaming.  How we would tell our families, how we would do a Christmas themed announcement on Facebook.  The baby's birthday would be July, what a sweet summer baby it would be.

Wednesday morning, when I went in for the blood test, the nurse reassured me that yes, we are definitely pregnant.

Then I got an email from her stating our hCg level was 78.  78.  It was 78.

I was expecting something so different.

She explained it was a chemical pregnancy, that basically the embryo had a problem and stopped growing.  There was no way of knowing why and that it happens all the time.  

I told my mom this morning.  She couldn't understand. I told Jesse yesterday. He couldn't understand.

I can't understand.

We prayed so hard for this baby, and now nothing.  Apparently the good news is that we were able to conceive naturally.  Basically I just feel like lying down in my bed forever.  It's been hard to come in to work and pretend like nothing happened.  Like I didn't lose everything I had been wishing for for the last year and a half and also my whole life.

Basically, this just sucks and I'm sad.  I don't know how to move on and what the future holds.  I don't know where I'm at in my cycle and how I'll feel next week or even tomorrow because right now I just feel like a bus hit me.  

Also? I'm just over it. I'm over the whole thing. I want to shut the door to the room that is supposed to be the "nursery" and lock it and paint over it and burn it and tear it down and just forget that I ever even wanted a baby.

My body is sore. I'm drained emotionally, physically, mentally.  I'm just drained.