Conflicted

We met with a fertility clinic last Monday the 11th.

Discussing this with my uber conservative and uber fertile sister-in-law left a nasty taste in my mouth.

But I must press on with what I know I want.

However, I am conflicted.  Do I push for a fertility specialist because we haven't gotten pregnant after a year of trying? Or do I wait it out because my official diagnosis is unexplained infertility, which means in my brain, that there is nothing physically wrong with either my husband or me.  I know God has a plan for me.  I firmly know that.  But at what point do I keep walking this fertility clinic path because he wants me to?  I want a sign!  I believe this is what is right for my husband and I, but do I know it?  A couple weeks ago, a guest pastor at our church discussed what we believe vs. what we know.  Do we believe God loves us or do we know that He does?

I know that God has a plan for our family.  Whether that includes children or not, I can't know.  I can hope and believe it does, but I can't know that.  And that scares the ever loving poop out of me.  How could I want something so badly that maybe I'm not meant to have?

The fertility doctor let us know that our best option at this point is a medicated IUI cycle.  After much debate and deliberation, we decided based on our insurance to move forward with a medicated Timed Intercourse cycle.  Our insurance covers 85% of this procedure and 0% of an IUI cycle. OF COURSE.

BUT! I'm switching insurances to my company's insurance which covers 50% of an IUI.  So maybe we can do it?  More discussion with Jesse tonight.

On another lighter note, we had a jam packed weekend.  Friday night we spray painted our new (old - via craigslist) patio furniture a dark green and I have to say, though we had a little trouble in the beginning, I think it turned out quite nice.  It isn't perfect, and I'm definitely not going to be wearing any white pants on it - but I think it looks great sitting on our little deck.

I had a friend and her 4 month old over for dinner on Saturday night.  The great thing about company?  My house has never been cleaner.  That felt great. Also her son, Graham, is adorbs.

Sunday was a crab feast in honor of my brother-in-law's 32nd birthday. I only made dill dip with cut up veggies but I was exhausted by 9:30.  Hosting a party, keeping everyone happy, full of food, and having fun is a lot of work!  Though I enjoyed it, I think I'll enjoy very much the beach time with my family this coming weekend.  Jesse and I are leaving Wednesday night to meet my parents in Fenwick Island, DE and spend their last few days of vacation together.  Jesse has never been to Fenwick Island and to Ocean City only twice.  I am excited to go there and show him the place I went to as a child on summer vacations.  His family vacations in the Outer Banks because his Dad has a house down there in Waves.  We go almost every year for our week long beach trip, and I thoroughly enjoy it each time.  However, I can't wait for a kitschy Ocean City trip where I lay on the beach, stuff my face with delicious Maryland seafood, play putt-putt and buy everything from Candy Kitchen.

A trip to the boardwalk might also be in order. He's gonna love it.