I went in for ANOTHER monitoring appointment this morning.
I am so sick of getting my blood drawn, having an ultrasound, and being told I'm not ready yet.
I'm sick of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to get to my appointment only to arrive to work late.
I'm sick of constantly telling my boss I have to come in late. And though he has been so supportive, I hate knowing I'm probably letting him down.
I hate not knowing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
As much as I want to trust God's plan, I just want to know what's going on. Honestly, I suck at trusting God. I suck at letting things go, putting things in His hands.
I always need to feel in control. Of everything. Of this, of my life, of our finances. Even of my brother-in-law's party he threw for his wife, I wanted to be in control. He can take all the credit, but I want to call the shots.
Whyyyyyyy?????????
Ugh maybe I'm just sick of myself.
Also - this stupid Ovia fertility app with its stupid reminders of what cycle day I'm on and my fertility rating are making me want to delete the thing off my phone. I know I'm not pregnant! Stop reminding me to have sex! Stop making me wonder about every little symptom!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
High Five for Friday!
I should take a minute every day to think about my high fives, but I tend to just look through my pictures from the last week to figure out what I loved enough to take a picture.
Linking up with TheLaurenElizabeth.com!
1) This verse:
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2) This donut:
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3) These guys:
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4)This candle:
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| via |
5)This movie:
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Quick Update
Follicles aren't matured all the way - have to go in on Saturday morning for ANOTHER ultrasound. Jesse is none too happy.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Well then, November
This morning at the beautiful hour of 7:15am (not really), I walked into the fertility doctor's office. I was there to have my follicles checked after 1 week on the fertility medication Letrozole.
I have 9 growing follicles. 9. I have 9 viable options for a baby. That is...not good.
But according to the doctor, it is a good sign. It's a sign that I respond well to medication and that I am producing eggs in a good fashion. So it is good?
Technically yes, technically no.
The doctor proceeds to tell me that because there are so many nice sized follicles, it is possible they won't be able to go forth with the IUI. The doctor doesn't want to risk having a multiple birth possibility and if all the follicles mature, we will have to wait until next month. My body responded "too well" to the medication. Well isn't that just dandy.
I tell her next month isn't happening because we are going out of town.
She says, "Well then, November."
The tears start welling up in my eyes.
She senses I'm about to cry and tells me that we can wait, and make an appointment for tomorrow to check the follicles again. Just to see if only a couple make it to their full mature size. I agree to that and walk out of the room holding back the tears.
I left and called my mom and Jesse. I let them know and then went into work where I vented to my coworker about how stupid this whole thing is.
The nurse called later today and said she needs me to come in and check the follicles again tomorrow morning. So there's that.
I'm almost wondering if maybe I should have just waited until November? I rushed this September cycle and now it has backfired. But I suppose I would have just found this out in November and that would have felt even worse because I waited.
Maybe I should just drop this whole fertility clinic thing altogether. I don't want medications in my body that affect the way my body knows it should run. There is nothing physically wrong with my husband or I, so why did I mess with it?
It's just not my time. It isn't my time to have a child. Why can't I be OK with that? Why do I struggle so hard to accept God's plan for me and my life? Why do I insert myself into every plan and take charge, whether or not I'm wanted or needed?
I'm fed up with my self and my body and my inabilities.
Ugh.
I have 9 growing follicles. 9. I have 9 viable options for a baby. That is...not good.
But according to the doctor, it is a good sign. It's a sign that I respond well to medication and that I am producing eggs in a good fashion. So it is good?
Technically yes, technically no.
The doctor proceeds to tell me that because there are so many nice sized follicles, it is possible they won't be able to go forth with the IUI. The doctor doesn't want to risk having a multiple birth possibility and if all the follicles mature, we will have to wait until next month. My body responded "too well" to the medication. Well isn't that just dandy.
I tell her next month isn't happening because we are going out of town.
She says, "Well then, November."
The tears start welling up in my eyes.
She senses I'm about to cry and tells me that we can wait, and make an appointment for tomorrow to check the follicles again. Just to see if only a couple make it to their full mature size. I agree to that and walk out of the room holding back the tears.
I left and called my mom and Jesse. I let them know and then went into work where I vented to my coworker about how stupid this whole thing is.
The nurse called later today and said she needs me to come in and check the follicles again tomorrow morning. So there's that.
I'm almost wondering if maybe I should have just waited until November? I rushed this September cycle and now it has backfired. But I suppose I would have just found this out in November and that would have felt even worse because I waited.
Maybe I should just drop this whole fertility clinic thing altogether. I don't want medications in my body that affect the way my body knows it should run. There is nothing physically wrong with my husband or I, so why did I mess with it?
It's just not my time. It isn't my time to have a child. Why can't I be OK with that? Why do I struggle so hard to accept God's plan for me and my life? Why do I insert myself into every plan and take charge, whether or not I'm wanted or needed?
I'm fed up with my self and my body and my inabilities.
Ugh.
Monday, September 22, 2014
The Weekenders
This weekend was truly busy. Busy and hot. The temperature on Sunday rose to at least 80. Boo to summer rearing its ugly head again.
Friday night we did basically nothing. I was battling a cold all week and it finally took me down for the count on Friday morning. I snuggled with kitties all day and ate leftover homemade chicken noodle soup (made by Jesse!).
Saturday we went yardsaling (not a word, don't judge) and Jesse found a bike. He has been wanting one for awhile and at $60 for a new-ish bike in great condition, we knew we had to scoop it up.
I also found this truly adorable trivet.
Saturday afternoon we went to Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party.
Jesse has a large Italian family and all but 2 cousins were there. I am very blessed to be a part of this extremely loving and generous family. I don't have a large family, and the family I have is spread across the East Coast. It doesn't make for huge holiday get-togethers, but it does allow me to appreciate family even more.
So basically we ate delish food, celebrated a wonderful man, and hung out with some cool kids.
Sunday we went to the Maryland wine festival. It took a bit of convincing on my part to get Jesse to go, because at $30 bucks a pop, it's an expensive way to spend a Sunday afternoon. But we went and met up with my parents and some family friends. I found pretty good wines. I didn't purchase anything because I am sure I can find the wines in my town for possibly cheaper. I'm really enjoying drinking Maryland wines. I like knowing that my money goes back to my state, plus it just makes me feel more of that MD pride.
I had the windows open all last week, but finally closed them and turned the air on last night. It was such a bummer. But they were thrown open again this morning before I left for work, so I suppose I can't complain too much.
P.S. - I'm done taking my medication for last week to increase my ovulation. The appointment is this Wednesday and the reality is finally setting in that possibly, maybe, hopefully, don't count on it, don't get your hopes up, but it truly could be the month where we conceive.
Friday night we did basically nothing. I was battling a cold all week and it finally took me down for the count on Friday morning. I snuggled with kitties all day and ate leftover homemade chicken noodle soup (made by Jesse!).
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Saturday we went yardsaling (not a word, don't judge) and Jesse found a bike. He has been wanting one for awhile and at $60 for a new-ish bike in great condition, we knew we had to scoop it up.
I also found this truly adorable trivet.
 |
Saturday afternoon we went to Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party.
Jesse has a large Italian family and all but 2 cousins were there. I am very blessed to be a part of this extremely loving and generous family. I don't have a large family, and the family I have is spread across the East Coast. It doesn't make for huge holiday get-togethers, but it does allow me to appreciate family even more.
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| Sorry for the blurry picture! Stupid iPhone. |
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So basically we ate delish food, celebrated a wonderful man, and hung out with some cool kids.
Sunday we went to the Maryland wine festival. It took a bit of convincing on my part to get Jesse to go, because at $30 bucks a pop, it's an expensive way to spend a Sunday afternoon. But we went and met up with my parents and some family friends. I found pretty good wines. I didn't purchase anything because I am sure I can find the wines in my town for possibly cheaper. I'm really enjoying drinking Maryland wines. I like knowing that my money goes back to my state, plus it just makes me feel more of that MD pride.
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| Again - stupid iPhone. |
I had the windows open all last week, but finally closed them and turned the air on last night. It was such a bummer. But they were thrown open again this morning before I left for work, so I suppose I can't complain too much.
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| This boy. |
P.S. - I'm done taking my medication for last week to increase my ovulation. The appointment is this Wednesday and the reality is finally setting in that possibly, maybe, hopefully, don't count on it, don't get your hopes up, but it truly could be the month where we conceive.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
High Five for Friday!
Here goes nothing:
1. This week's weather was absolutely beautiful. It was cold at night (I have had the windows open for the past 7 days) and sunny yet cool during the day. I am very, very ready for fall. This weekend is supposed to heat up, but I'm confident, we have entered autumn.
2. I made this wreath last Friday night and dangit, I am proud of my skills.
3. Tomorrow is Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party at a nice restaurant in our town. I am excited! Their food is awesome. Also - this man is one of the sweetest, most caring and genuine people I have ever met.
4. This week we went to the fair in our town. I didn't take any pictures! But I hadn't been to the fair in almost 10 years. It was very fun seeing the animals and having dinner with my parents.
1. This week's weather was absolutely beautiful. It was cold at night (I have had the windows open for the past 7 days) and sunny yet cool during the day. I am very, very ready for fall. This weekend is supposed to heat up, but I'm confident, we have entered autumn.
2. I made this wreath last Friday night and dangit, I am proud of my skills.
3. Tomorrow is Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party at a nice restaurant in our town. I am excited! Their food is awesome. Also - this man is one of the sweetest, most caring and genuine people I have ever met.
4. This week we went to the fair in our town. I didn't take any pictures! But I hadn't been to the fair in almost 10 years. It was very fun seeing the animals and having dinner with my parents.
5. The MD wine festival! We are going on Sunday and it's basically an excuse to hang out and drink LOTS of wine.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Keep the Faith
Yesterday, I was driving through the construction yard where I work to feed the stray kittens that have taken up residence in our scrap pile. When I turned on my car, the song "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel started playing. I drive with my iPod plugged into the stereo.
From the 5,000+ songs, this song came on first.
As I got in my car to go home that afternoon, the shuffle restarted itself. I skipped around a few songs and guess what came on again? Keeping the Faith. Now, this song is basically about a boy growing up and how he's looking back at his past now that he is fully grown. This doesn't super relate to me, but it is a song I enjoy. And that title.
This morning, I check my Instagram. And this:
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
This speaks volumes to me right now. I'm not too into reading signs, but keeping the faith is so hard for me some days. Most of the time, I can't understand why I have to follow God's plan. Why don't things work out the way I want all the time? Why can't I have what I truly know that I want?
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith that I will become a mother one day. Whether naturally or through this IUI or adoption or surrogacy or IVF. Keep the faith that God's plan is the best for me. Keep the faith that he will protect my heart. Keep the faith that he will teach me the strength to get through everything in this life.
One day, I will say, I kept the faith.
From the 5,000+ songs, this song came on first.
As I got in my car to go home that afternoon, the shuffle restarted itself. I skipped around a few songs and guess what came on again? Keeping the Faith. Now, this song is basically about a boy growing up and how he's looking back at his past now that he is fully grown. This doesn't super relate to me, but it is a song I enjoy. And that title.
This morning, I check my Instagram. And this:
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
This speaks volumes to me right now. I'm not too into reading signs, but keeping the faith is so hard for me some days. Most of the time, I can't understand why I have to follow God's plan. Why don't things work out the way I want all the time? Why can't I have what I truly know that I want?
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith that I will become a mother one day. Whether naturally or through this IUI or adoption or surrogacy or IVF. Keep the faith that God's plan is the best for me. Keep the faith that he will protect my heart. Keep the faith that he will teach me the strength to get through everything in this life.
One day, I will say, I kept the faith.
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