TTC

342 days. TTC for 342 days. So far, DH and I have had blood tests and a semen analysis done. I feel as if we are opening a can of worms.  Like we are entering a new world of pain and waiting that we never even knew about. It isn't as easy as the "3-Step Process" the doctor has explained.  Later this month I will have the procedure to check if both my fallopian tubes are open.  Hopefully his semen analysis results are good and it will be one less thing to worry about. I don't know if I could handle a problem with my husband.  I can handle a problem with my body. I will figure out how to cope.  But to cope with infertility, while being supportive to my husband, and making sure he still feels like a man, and figuring out the next steps in correcting his infertility? Not sure if I can do that. But the Lord will teach me how to handle everything. And he won't give me something he knows I can't handle.  Every day we pray for a baby, and every day I wake up without one.  In April, when I missed my period, I felt so guilty. I had prayed for a baby forever. I was so happy it might have actually happened this time. And yet, somewhere some little voice inside me kept saying I wasn't ready.  Was I ready for the full weight of the responsibility of growing and raising a child? Did I fully understand the financial and physical and emotional and mental toll of having a new baby?

But WAIT, what was wrong with me?! This is what I want!

But WAIT! You're not pregnant. After 4 negatives and a week late period. I was definitely NOT pregnant. Many tears and coming to terms.

So much time wasted researching. So much energy wasted worrying. Could I have possibly worried the baby out of my body? No, that's silly.  But I better look up on the internet if that can happen...

So now, 342 days after the day I decided to stop taking my birth control, here we are. No baby yet, doctors who tell me not to worry, I'm young.  Friends saying, "relax, it will happen!"  I'm sorry, but when will people learn, that isn't all it takes!!!

Every new month, a new hope.  Every period, a let down.  I'm not the only one, and I know that. And yet, I feel alone. My husband shares this want with me.  It is what we pray for the most.  Still, I feel alone. As if this struggle is my own.

 But it isn't my own. It's God's too.  He struggles alongside me. He knows if and when we will have a child. And yet he pains when he sees my pain. That gets me through.  And the sweet kisses from DH.

Soon we will receive feedback from the semen analysis. Praying everything looks ok.