Starting Over

I've been neglecting myself lately. Work has been busy (which I'm very grateful for), my marriage has needed some work and overall I haven't had motivation to do much of anything.

I stopped working out and eating healthy. That's never good. I basically gave up on getting pregnant. I was tired. I would basically go to work, come home, and crawl into the shell that is myself and stay there until we go to bed at night.

I guess I'm just writing this to say that I need a change.

I don't want to change my job, I love it.
I can't change my marriage, I wouldn't want to.
I can't change my living situation, I love my house.

Maybe I need a vacation?  I don't know.

Anyway,  so this happened, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to my husband and me on Sunday. Talk about devastating. I cried for hours after they left. My husband just sat there and let me cry. Which was nice, but made me feel even guiltier.

Just to clarify, I'm not angry she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a year after suffering a miscarriage last June. This was the plan. This was supposed to happen.

I'm angry because I am not pregnant. I'm sad because it isn't me that gets to tell Jesse we are pregnant and see the look on his face. I'm disappointed that another woman in my life gets to have a child and I'm left standing at the starting line.

I love my sister-in-law so much and she has been exceedingly gracious towards me which I truly appreciate. But I can't help feeling this way.

I pray. I ask God for an explanation. For forgiveness for feeling jealousy. For a baby.

I went to acupuncture yesterday. It was recommended to me by my sister-in-law (the pregnant one) because she said she went twice and got pregnant.

It was good I guess. I was told that it's possible I am blood deficient and was given herbs to take (yuck).

So I'll take the herbs and I'll go to acupuncture and I'll take ovulation tests and I'll really try to give this another shot. I am so tired of feeling sad about not being pregnant and yet I haven't been doing anything about it because I feel sad. Vicious cycle.

I think the biggest reason I stopped trying (other than the chemical pregnancy last November) was because I was tired of the disappointment. If I'm not trying, I can't be disappointed when I will eventually get my period. But all that really happened is that I felt disappointed anyway and it caused fights between me and Jesse.

So I'm going to start again and I'm going to keep track of everything. Wish me luck!