First Corinthians

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 1-13

I'm sure you've read/heard/listened to/seen that verse in many places in your life. I know I have. I've heard it at countless weddings, in tons of movies, in songs, and in church. I've also read it in the quietness of my own home. 

But I don't think I ever absorbed it until just now. Literally just this moment. 

The last line. And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

I've just never noticed before how true that statement is. The three things I need the most in my life are faith, hope, and love. 

In my struggle with infertility, I face these every single day in a way. This struggle constantly tests my faith, hope, and love. I am constantly struggling with losing my hope. To look at the future and wonder if we will ever be parents. But isn't that what keeps us going? The sheer fact that we can hope, that we can believe in things and keep our faith even when everyone and everything around us is telling us not to hope. 

And my love. My husband. The one person in the world that I am struggling through with. The one person that knows exactly what we want, what we are hoping for and what we have faith in. He is my love and I am his and without him, my faith and hope wouldn't matter. Because the greatest of these is love. 

Starting Over

I've been neglecting myself lately. Work has been busy (which I'm very grateful for), my marriage has needed some work and overall I haven't had motivation to do much of anything.

I stopped working out and eating healthy. That's never good. I basically gave up on getting pregnant. I was tired. I would basically go to work, come home, and crawl into the shell that is myself and stay there until we go to bed at night.

I guess I'm just writing this to say that I need a change.

I don't want to change my job, I love it.
I can't change my marriage, I wouldn't want to.
I can't change my living situation, I love my house.

Maybe I need a vacation?  I don't know.

Anyway,  so this happened, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to my husband and me on Sunday. Talk about devastating. I cried for hours after they left. My husband just sat there and let me cry. Which was nice, but made me feel even guiltier.

Just to clarify, I'm not angry she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a year after suffering a miscarriage last June. This was the plan. This was supposed to happen.

I'm angry because I am not pregnant. I'm sad because it isn't me that gets to tell Jesse we are pregnant and see the look on his face. I'm disappointed that another woman in my life gets to have a child and I'm left standing at the starting line.

I love my sister-in-law so much and she has been exceedingly gracious towards me which I truly appreciate. But I can't help feeling this way.

I pray. I ask God for an explanation. For forgiveness for feeling jealousy. For a baby.

I went to acupuncture yesterday. It was recommended to me by my sister-in-law (the pregnant one) because she said she went twice and got pregnant.

It was good I guess. I was told that it's possible I am blood deficient and was given herbs to take (yuck).

So I'll take the herbs and I'll go to acupuncture and I'll take ovulation tests and I'll really try to give this another shot. I am so tired of feeling sad about not being pregnant and yet I haven't been doing anything about it because I feel sad. Vicious cycle.

I think the biggest reason I stopped trying (other than the chemical pregnancy last November) was because I was tired of the disappointment. If I'm not trying, I can't be disappointed when I will eventually get my period. But all that really happened is that I felt disappointed anyway and it caused fights between me and Jesse.

So I'm going to start again and I'm going to keep track of everything. Wish me luck!

The Worst Week

This week has been rough.  

Sunday night was spent in the ER with severe pelvic pain that was due to a ruptured blood vessel in my uterus.

We also found out that we were pregnant.

I say were, because we are no longer pregnant.

When the nurse practitioner, who was such a sweet woman, came in and told me that my hCG level was 269.9, I burst into tears.  This is what we were waiting for, we had dreamed and prayed for this moment for so long.  Jesse and I just hugged and I sat there stunned. I had a million questions.  

How could this happen? We just had a failed IUI. She reassured me, this was not from the IUI, that we had conceived naturally.

She told me she wanted us to follow up with another hCG test in a couple of days.  So I took Monday off (because I was exhausted after our 5 and a half hour ER trip the night before) and went to the fertility doctor on Wednesday morning.

The whole time, I was dreaming of this baby.  I was very hesitant, even telling Jesse not to get his hopes up, but I was still dreaming.  How we would tell our families, how we would do a Christmas themed announcement on Facebook.  The baby's birthday would be July, what a sweet summer baby it would be.

Wednesday morning, when I went in for the blood test, the nurse reassured me that yes, we are definitely pregnant.

Then I got an email from her stating our hCg level was 78.  78.  It was 78.

I was expecting something so different.

She explained it was a chemical pregnancy, that basically the embryo had a problem and stopped growing.  There was no way of knowing why and that it happens all the time.  

I told my mom this morning.  She couldn't understand. I told Jesse yesterday. He couldn't understand.

I can't understand.

We prayed so hard for this baby, and now nothing.  Apparently the good news is that we were able to conceive naturally.  Basically I just feel like lying down in my bed forever.  It's been hard to come in to work and pretend like nothing happened.  Like I didn't lose everything I had been wishing for for the last year and a half and also my whole life.

Basically, this just sucks and I'm sad.  I don't know how to move on and what the future holds.  I don't know where I'm at in my cycle and how I'll feel next week or even tomorrow because right now I just feel like a bus hit me.  

Also? I'm just over it. I'm over the whole thing. I want to shut the door to the room that is supposed to be the "nursery" and lock it and paint over it and burn it and tear it down and just forget that I ever even wanted a baby.

My body is sore. I'm drained emotionally, physically, mentally.  I'm just drained.

...

The blood test was negative.

I don't really have anything to say at this point. 

Nothin'

I haven't posted, because there really isn't anything to post about.

Negative test last Wednesday - depressing.
Missed period on Saturday - excited? Not really, more like anxious.
Negative test on Sunday - depressing.

I emailed my nurse on Monday morning and asked her what all this meant (including a bunch of pelvic pain/cramps) and she stated the reason I've missed my period is either the progesterone I'm taking or that I'm pregnant.  So ya know, either or. No big deal.

I go for my official blood test tomorrow. Right before I leave for vacation, of course. So either it will be a fun vacation or an escape.  We'll see.

Let me feel something!

I've had no symptoms. Not a one.

This is weird right? It's been almost a week and I haven't had a single pregnancy or PMS symptom.  I'm trying to notice any little thing, but aside from a slight, tiny pain in my left ovary, there is nothing.

I truly don't know if this worked or will work or is working.

I have so far, been at peace about this whole thing.  I've resisted testing. I think I don't want to see that negative so badly, that I have no urge to test at all.

I'm sort of just expecting my period to show up on Saturday like this whole thing never happened.  How sad is that?!

About Time

Yesterday was the IUI procedure.  I was pretty nervous leading up to it, I could barely concentrate at work.

I left my office at 12:32, arrived at the office at 12:47, laid down on the table at 1:02 and the procedure was over at 1:03.  I felt basically nothing, no pain, which was really nice.  They had me lay down on the table for an additional 5 minutes just to make sure nothing leaked out.

I probably could have gone back to work, but I went home and laid in bed for the next 4 hours! Not my finest hour, but I can't resist a good relaxing session, and I wanted to make sure I was calm and relaxed for a possible conception!

Jesse is so faithful, he is sure it's going to work.  I want it to work so badly, but I also don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm basically just going to stay positive and faithful and most of all CALM.  I'm not going to freak out with the two week wait.  I'm going to wait until the 11th to officially test because that is the projected day of the start of my next cycle.

In the meantime, we watched a movie last night called "About Time".  It's a romantic comedy (but not like you think) starring Rachel McAdams and another British man I don't know.  

Every time I had seen it at RedBox, I thought, ugh, this is probably a crappy Nicholas Sparks movie, I don't even want to try it. But we caught it on HBO and I'm glad we did.  The message of the movie, the acting, the dialogue, was all very good.  Afterwards I cried.  For nothing in particular really, just that the message was that good and it is something that sort of took Jesse and I back and made us see the perspective of our lives.  

So 8.5/10 in my book.

T for Today

Holy shit.

Today is the day I am doing the IUI procedure.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

I'm scared, excited, nervous, happy.  

My appointment is at 1pm and I'm leaving work at 12:30 and I just can't believe it's already 9:15.  

Holy shit.

Frustrating

I went in for ANOTHER monitoring appointment this morning.

I am so sick of getting my blood drawn, having an ultrasound, and being told I'm not ready yet.

I'm sick of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to get to my appointment only to arrive to work late.

I'm sick of constantly telling my boss I have to come in late. And though he has been so supportive, I hate knowing I'm probably letting him down.

I hate not knowing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

As much as I want to trust God's plan, I just want to know what's going on.  Honestly, I suck at trusting God.  I suck at letting things go, putting things in His hands.

I always need to feel in control. Of everything.  Of this, of my life, of our finances. Even of my brother-in-law's party he threw for his wife, I wanted to be in control.  He can take all the credit, but I want to call the shots.

Whyyyyyyy?????????

Ugh maybe I'm just sick of myself.

Also - this stupid Ovia fertility app with its stupid reminders of what cycle day I'm on and my fertility rating are making me want to delete the thing off my phone.  I know I'm not pregnant! Stop reminding me to have sex! Stop making me wonder about every little symptom!

Quick Update

Follicles aren't matured all the way - have to go in on Saturday morning for ANOTHER ultrasound. Jesse is none too happy.

Well then, November

This morning at the beautiful hour of 7:15am (not really), I walked into the fertility doctor's office.  I was there to have my follicles checked after 1 week on the fertility medication Letrozole.

I have 9 growing follicles.  9. I have 9 viable options for a baby. That is...not good.

But according to the doctor, it is a good sign. It's a sign that I respond well to medication and that I am producing eggs in a good fashion.  So it is good?

Technically yes, technically no.

The doctor proceeds to tell me that because there are so many nice sized follicles, it is possible they won't be able to go forth with the IUI.  The doctor doesn't want to risk having a multiple birth possibility and if all the follicles mature, we will have to wait until next month. My body responded "too well" to the medication. Well isn't that just dandy.

I tell her next month isn't happening because we are going out of town.

She says, "Well then, November."

The tears start welling up in my eyes.

She senses I'm about to cry and tells me that we can wait, and make an appointment for tomorrow to check the follicles again. Just to see if only a couple make it to their full mature size. I agree to that and walk out of the room holding back the tears.

I left and called my mom and Jesse.  I let them know and then went into work where I vented to my coworker about how stupid this whole thing is.

The nurse called later today and said she needs me to come in and check the follicles again tomorrow morning. So there's that.

I'm almost wondering if maybe I should have just waited until November? I rushed this September cycle and now it has backfired.  But I suppose I would have just found this out in November and that would have felt even worse because I waited.

Maybe I should just drop this whole fertility clinic thing altogether. I don't want medications in my body that affect the way my body knows it should run.  There is nothing physically wrong with my husband or I, so why did I mess with it?

It's just not my time. It isn't my time to have a child. Why can't I be OK with that? Why do I struggle so hard to accept God's plan for me and my life? Why do I insert myself into every plan and take charge, whether or not I'm wanted or needed?

I'm fed up with my self and my body and my inabilities.

Ugh.

The Weekenders

This weekend was truly busy. Busy and hot.  The temperature on Sunday rose to at least 80. Boo to summer rearing its ugly head again.

Friday night we did basically nothing. I was battling a cold all week and it finally took me down for the count on Friday morning.  I snuggled with kitties all day and ate leftover homemade chicken noodle soup (made by Jesse!).

Saturday we went yardsaling (not a word, don't judge) and Jesse found a bike.  He has been wanting one for awhile and at $60 for a new-ish bike in great condition, we knew we had to scoop it up.

I also found this truly adorable trivet.

Saturday afternoon we went to Jesse's grandfather's 90th birthday party.

Jesse has a large Italian family and all but 2 cousins were there.  I am very blessed to be a part of this extremely loving and generous family. I don't have a large family, and the family I have is spread across the East Coast.  It doesn't make for huge holiday get-togethers, but it does allow me to appreciate family even more.

Sorry for the blurry picture! Stupid iPhone.

So basically we ate delish food, celebrated a wonderful man, and hung out with some cool kids.

Sunday we went to the Maryland wine festival.  It took a bit of convincing on my part to get Jesse to go, because at $30 bucks a pop, it's an expensive way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  But we went and met up with my parents and some family friends.  I found pretty good wines.  I didn't purchase anything because I am sure I can find the wines in my town for possibly cheaper.  I'm really enjoying drinking Maryland wines.  I like knowing that my money goes back to my state, plus it just makes me feel more of that MD pride.

Again - stupid iPhone.

I had the windows open all last week, but finally closed them and turned the air on last night. It was such a bummer. But they were thrown open again this morning before I left for work, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

This boy.

P.S. - I'm done taking my medication for last week to increase my ovulation.  The appointment is this Wednesday and the reality is finally setting in that possibly, maybe, hopefully, don't count on it, don't get your hopes up, but it truly could be the month where we conceive.

Keep the Faith

Yesterday, I was driving through the construction yard where I work to feed the stray kittens that have taken up residence in our scrap pile.  When I turned on my car, the song "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel started playing.  I drive with my iPod plugged into the stereo.

From the 5,000+ songs, this song came on first.  

As I got in my car to go home that afternoon, the shuffle restarted itself. I skipped around a few songs and guess what came on again? Keeping the Faith. Now, this song is basically about a boy growing up and how he's looking back at his past now that he is fully grown.  This doesn't super relate to me, but it is a song I enjoy. And that title.

This morning, I check my Instagram. And this:

2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."


This speaks volumes to me right now.  I'm not too into reading signs, but keeping the faith is so hard for me some days.  Most of the time, I can't understand why I have to follow God's plan.  Why don't things work out the way I want all the time?  Why can't I have what I truly know that I want?  

Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.

Keep the faith that I will become a mother one day. Whether naturally or through this IUI or adoption or surrogacy or IVF.  Keep the faith that God's plan is the best for me.  Keep the faith that he will protect my heart.  Keep the faith that he will teach me the strength to get through everything in this life.

One day, I will say, I kept the faith.

Do they know?!

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment at the fertility clinic.  The amount of women in the office at 8:00 am was astounding.  I almost couldn't find a place to sit in the waiting room.

I had blood work done and an ultrasound to make sure I am not currently pregnant (unfortunately) and that both my ovaries looked good (which they do).

I confirmed my medications with the nurse, got the next steps from the doctor, and was sent on my way (45 minutes later than expected).

Seriously, the women that were sitting in that waiting room were just like me and yet not like me. Some were older and I couldn't help think, what are you doing here?  Some were young, some were with their husbands/significant others.  Some wore a ring and some didn't.  But it was very clear while I was waiting, that we were all waiting. For a baby.  And I just kept thinking, does the world know?!

How many people are aware of their own fertility? Or of how lucky they are to conceive naturally? Or of the fact that 1 in 8 women suffer from infertility and have to seek professional help?  Because I didn't.  Before this past 14 months, infertility was so foreign.  My mother suffered from infertility for 5 years before she conceived. And yet, it still seemed foreign to me.

I never knew to track my cervical mucus or my basal body temperature or ovulation pain.  I never knew about the costs of infertility or the guilt a woman can feel for not being able to do what her body was designed for or the very real anger she can feel when someone announces a pregnancy.

And how could I have known? Who talks about infertility nowadays? Who doesn't sweep their feelings under the rug because it isn't socially acceptable to take off work because you are devastated your IUI didn't take? Or even socially acceptable to make a Facebook status like "Well, another month with no baby!" Everyone and their mother is on Facebook making statuses like "I'll never let him hit me again!" And yet, infertility and the treatment of such is so back door, hush hush.

And please, believe me, I am not diminishing anyone else's problems. But this is my own struggle and what else is this blog for if not to write about myself?

So I left the doctors feeling a glimmer of hope.  Today starts a new cycle and a totally new way of dealing with our infertility.  I'm excited, I won't lie.  Crossing my fingers, this is the month.

Approval

We were approved!  I switched health insurances this month and we were officially approved for a medicated IUI cycle.  Just thought I'd share that tidbit of happy information on this otherwise dull Tuesday morning!

Conflicted

We met with a fertility clinic last Monday the 11th.

Discussing this with my uber conservative and uber fertile sister-in-law left a nasty taste in my mouth.

But I must press on with what I know I want.

However, I am conflicted.  Do I push for a fertility specialist because we haven't gotten pregnant after a year of trying? Or do I wait it out because my official diagnosis is unexplained infertility, which means in my brain, that there is nothing physically wrong with either my husband or me.  I know God has a plan for me.  I firmly know that.  But at what point do I keep walking this fertility clinic path because he wants me to?  I want a sign!  I believe this is what is right for my husband and I, but do I know it?  A couple weeks ago, a guest pastor at our church discussed what we believe vs. what we know.  Do we believe God loves us or do we know that He does?

I know that God has a plan for our family.  Whether that includes children or not, I can't know.  I can hope and believe it does, but I can't know that.  And that scares the ever loving poop out of me.  How could I want something so badly that maybe I'm not meant to have?

The fertility doctor let us know that our best option at this point is a medicated IUI cycle.  After much debate and deliberation, we decided based on our insurance to move forward with a medicated Timed Intercourse cycle.  Our insurance covers 85% of this procedure and 0% of an IUI cycle. OF COURSE.

BUT! I'm switching insurances to my company's insurance which covers 50% of an IUI.  So maybe we can do it?  More discussion with Jesse tonight.

On another lighter note, we had a jam packed weekend.  Friday night we spray painted our new (old - via craigslist) patio furniture a dark green and I have to say, though we had a little trouble in the beginning, I think it turned out quite nice.  It isn't perfect, and I'm definitely not going to be wearing any white pants on it - but I think it looks great sitting on our little deck.

I had a friend and her 4 month old over for dinner on Saturday night.  The great thing about company?  My house has never been cleaner.  That felt great. Also her son, Graham, is adorbs.

Sunday was a crab feast in honor of my brother-in-law's 32nd birthday. I only made dill dip with cut up veggies but I was exhausted by 9:30.  Hosting a party, keeping everyone happy, full of food, and having fun is a lot of work!  Though I enjoyed it, I think I'll enjoy very much the beach time with my family this coming weekend.  Jesse and I are leaving Wednesday night to meet my parents in Fenwick Island, DE and spend their last few days of vacation together.  Jesse has never been to Fenwick Island and to Ocean City only twice.  I am excited to go there and show him the place I went to as a child on summer vacations.  His family vacations in the Outer Banks because his Dad has a house down there in Waves.  We go almost every year for our week long beach trip, and I thoroughly enjoy it each time.  However, I can't wait for a kitschy Ocean City trip where I lay on the beach, stuff my face with delicious Maryland seafood, play putt-putt and buy everything from Candy Kitchen.

A trip to the boardwalk might also be in order. He's gonna love it.

The results are in...

The semen analysis my husband had last Wednesday proves one thing.

That my husband is perfectly healthy.

I am so happy.  He passed with flying colors.  All 10 tests done came up totally normal. 

.....

That leaves one resulting feeling.  The problem can only be me.

TTC

342 days. TTC for 342 days. So far, DH and I have had blood tests and a semen analysis done. I feel as if we are opening a can of worms.  Like we are entering a new world of pain and waiting that we never even knew about. It isn't as easy as the "3-Step Process" the doctor has explained.  Later this month I will have the procedure to check if both my fallopian tubes are open.  Hopefully his semen analysis results are good and it will be one less thing to worry about. I don't know if I could handle a problem with my husband.  I can handle a problem with my body. I will figure out how to cope.  But to cope with infertility, while being supportive to my husband, and making sure he still feels like a man, and figuring out the next steps in correcting his infertility? Not sure if I can do that. But the Lord will teach me how to handle everything. And he won't give me something he knows I can't handle.  Every day we pray for a baby, and every day I wake up without one.  In April, when I missed my period, I felt so guilty. I had prayed for a baby forever. I was so happy it might have actually happened this time. And yet, somewhere some little voice inside me kept saying I wasn't ready.  Was I ready for the full weight of the responsibility of growing and raising a child? Did I fully understand the financial and physical and emotional and mental toll of having a new baby?

But WAIT, what was wrong with me?! This is what I want!

But WAIT! You're not pregnant. After 4 negatives and a week late period. I was definitely NOT pregnant. Many tears and coming to terms.

So much time wasted researching. So much energy wasted worrying. Could I have possibly worried the baby out of my body? No, that's silly.  But I better look up on the internet if that can happen...

So now, 342 days after the day I decided to stop taking my birth control, here we are. No baby yet, doctors who tell me not to worry, I'm young.  Friends saying, "relax, it will happen!"  I'm sorry, but when will people learn, that isn't all it takes!!!

Every new month, a new hope.  Every period, a let down.  I'm not the only one, and I know that. And yet, I feel alone. My husband shares this want with me.  It is what we pray for the most.  Still, I feel alone. As if this struggle is my own.

 But it isn't my own. It's God's too.  He struggles alongside me. He knows if and when we will have a child. And yet he pains when he sees my pain. That gets me through.  And the sweet kisses from DH.

Soon we will receive feedback from the semen analysis. Praying everything looks ok.