It's Been a Minute

I wrote this post a long time ago but never posted, but now that I'm past the scary part, I'll post!


Months, really. Since I've posted, that is.

I've been busy!

Since we last spoke:

Jesse and I got a dog! Her name is Lucy and we got her from a local rescue. She is wonderful and sweet and perfectly dogalicious. She loves to chase squirrels, bark at other doggies until she makes freinds with them, chase my baby Franklin around, and lay in the sun. Play with her toys, eat bones, and get pet. Basically all the things a dog should do.


We talked about getting a dog for a VERY long time. I emailed about Lucy on a Tuesday and she was ours by Friday! It was definitely an adjustment. I get up a half an hour earlier now to take her for a walk before work, but I think she has adjusted quite nicely and we are really loving on her.

Her passed out after the dog park one night

My sweet baby

I got my real estate license! Yes, I am now licensed as a real estate salesperson in the state of Maryland. Basically, I did it for work, and I'm not exactly active, in that I don't take people out to look at houses and earn commissions. But I'm happy it's done and over with, and that I can take this wherever I go. Which hopefully means I could be taking people to look at houses and earning commissions (and all the other difficult things that come between those two things) someday!


Third, but definitely not least.
GUYS.
GUYSSSSSSSS.

I'm pregnant.

5 and a half weeks today. Which is early, I'm aware. But I took a test on Monday and it was my first ever positive pregnancy test in 2.5 years. I've taken so many tests, been disappointed so many times. This test was like God smiling at me and saying, I knew it would happen, it just took time.

Jesse and I sat together and cried for 10 minutes. Then I got up, got ready for work, took another one and it was positive too!

Then I took one when I got home and it was positive. Then I took one yesterday and it was positive. I'm addicted to seeing the word "Pregnant" on a test.

I was in shock

I also got a blood test done. Positive. And strongly so, my level was 6,681.

Above all things, I am thankful. I pray to God every morning to thank him and every evening to thank him. Thank you for this blessing. Thank you for another day with this blessing. This child growing inside me. This child who is now the size of a little peppercorn, but will one day be a full grown child, a baby I can hold and cuddle and love so much. I can't wait.

We told Jesse's brother and sister-in-law (the pregnant one). They are the only people that know for now and will be the only people for at least a couple more weeks. I have an ultrasound at 7 weeks (because I am paranoid and cannot bear the thought of waiting until 8 weeks to see if there is a baby in my uterus). After that, if all goes well which I pray it does, we will tell my parents. I CANNOT wait to see the look on my mother's face when I tell her about her first grandchild.

So that's about it for now. I'm praying this magical baby sticks and that we have a beautiful baby in 8 months.

12 Week Bumpdate

how far along: 12 weeks, 4 days

size of the baby: a ripe apricot. I think it's so funny that they give the description a "ripe" apricot, a "Maine" blueberry. I have no idea what this means, honestly. So I'll stick with, baby is about 2.5 inches long and .5 ounces!

baby is: there? I'm not showing, I can't feel it. This week has been a roller coaster really.

movement: still way too early to feel anything.

gender: still convinced it's a girl. Though I'm not crazing sweets which is something I've heard with girls. Though I have been getting very sick (nausea) and I feel so unattractive, I've heard girls can suck the beauty out of you.

total weight gain: Still not paying attention. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow though so I'm sure I'll see a difference. 

symptoms: Nausea, vomiting, headaches, frequent urination, sore and tender breasts, hormonal crying, fatigue. The list goes on and on and on.

stretch marks: I don't think so? I tried looking at my hips this morning but I couldn't tell if they were stretch marks or lines from my pajamas while I slept.

maternity clothes: Not really. Though I am wearing leggings more. We had 3 feet of snow dumped on us the past weekend and I didn't go into work for 4 days. The whole time I wore sweats and leggings and big t-shirts and sweatshirts. That felt awesome. When I had to wear pants for the first time yesterday, I had to unbutton them, they were so uncomfortable.

  

sleep: I wish I could sleep well. I used to be able to sleep through the night without any interruptions. Now I get up to pee, I can't get comfortable, my back hurts. I hate it.

missing: Feeling like myself I guess. I had a huge cry last night because I just can't wait to feel normal again and I'm so tired of getting sick and being the wet blanket.

cravings/aversions: Beef, if you can believe that. I was actually able to make dinner the past few nights so we've had steak and burgers and I feel like I want more. I want all the steak.

cries: Last night I couldn't stop crying. I feel like I'm just surviving and not living. It's awful.

Jesse is: really trying. He's being sweet at times, but then he lets it slide and he gets annoyed with me. I keep telling him I can't control the way I feel, I wish I could feel better. I know he's just as sick of the first trimester as I am.

best moments: Hitting 12 weeks was good. This weekend, being able to spend time with Jesse and not feel my symptoms so harshly, eating real dinners, Living in sweats. If I could do that all the time, I'd be golden.

not so best moment: Writing this post? I feel like all I've done is complain. I feel like such a hypocrite. I wished and prayed and hoped for so long that we would get pregnant. But honestly I just wish I could speed up these next 28 weeks, have the baby, and not have to feel pregnant anymore. I'm praying so hard that the feeling goes away after I hit my second trimester.

looking forward to: The end of the first trimester. Showing, having to wear maternity clothes, feeling the baby move, finding out the gender, my baby shower, setting up the nursery. So many second and third trimester things. I want to say so long to this dumb first trimester and start feeling good!

11 Weeks and Counting

how far along: 11 Weeks, 1 day.

size of the baby: A Brussels sprout. It's funny because the app says, "baby is the size of a Brussels sprout, but hopefully more well liked!" Well, I love Brussels sprouts, so take that Ovia App.

baby is: 1.5 inches. Still so tiny, can't believe how fast it grows though.

movement: Apparently it's moving around, doing flips and such, but I haven't felt anything of course.

gender: I keep thinking it is a girl. I had a dream it was a girl, I think about it in my head like it's a girl, and the Chinese chart said it was a girl.

total weight gain: I haven't really been paying attention to my weight. I think I'm still at the same place I have always been, or even a little less.

symptoms: Lots of nausea, headaches, fatigue. Also the girls are very sore, I have pregnancy brain, and now pimples! Last week I had the worst pimple, it was so disgusting.

stretch marks: None still. At least that I've noticed. I'm not lotioning like I should though, I need to start.

maternity clothes: None so far, but I think about it constantly. Anything that presses too hard on my stomach makes me feel awful. I want to wear giant clothes that don't show my bloated tummy either.

  

sleep: Oh yes. I want to sleep all the time. I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and it didn't even feel good. I think I just want one really good night sleep. 

missing: Being able to eat normally. I can't really eat tomatoes/tomato based foods because it just makes me feel sick. I threw up out of the car the other night and I just can't wait until this nausea dissipates.

cravings/aversions: Aversion? Tomatoes. Anything sweet really. Though I would like some ice cream. But I think once I get it, I won't want it anymore. Craving? Nothing really. Cheese.

cries: Yesterday. I had woken up from my nap, had a huge headache and was just trying to get stuff done before Jesse got home from work at 9. I missed him terribly, he came in the door and called me a crazy pregnant lady. Cue waterworks.

Jesse is: really trying. He's being sweet at times, but then he lets it slide and he gets annoyed with me. I keep telling him I can't control the way I feel, I wish I could feel better. I know he's just as sick of the first trimester as I am.

best moments: Getting through this trimester. I can't handle the nausea much longer. I just want to be able to wake up and not feel like dying.

not so best moment: Just throwing up all the time. Throwing up before my in-laws came over for breakfast, making Jesse pull the car over to throw up, throwing up water. I'm so tired.

looking forward to: The end of the first trimester. I know it's probably silly to wish time would move faster, I know I need to cherish being pregnant. But I just want to feel normal and be normal and do normal stuff again!

7 Weeks

how far along: 7 Weeks, 1 Day. According to my app.

size of the baby: A raspberry! A cute, tiny little delicious raspberry.

 

baby is: Over half an inch long! It sounds SO tiny, almost like it's not even there.

 

movement: No movement, too early obviously. I'm moving pretty slow though. Very tired and very nauseous.

 

gender: No clue, don't care. I mean, if I'm choosing, I would love a boy. But I just care if it's healthy and happy.

 

total weight gain: Actually, with all this nausea and puking going on, I haven't gained any weight. I haven't been too diligent in keeping track but I am at 146 this morning.

symptoms: So much nausea. I spent the last two days (Saturday & Sunday) eitehr in bed or on the couch. Watching The Office and Selling New York on Netflix. I'm tired, ta-tas hurt, stomach is hurting from all the nausea, I pee constantly and I can smell everything.

stretch marks: None that I can see, but I haven't been checking very hard. I'm sure if I see one, I'll be all over it, but now it's not really a concern. Mostly my nipples have gotten darker and larger.

 

maternity clothes: None but I hate wearing jeans. They're so constricting and I just can't seem to want to look nice, mostly I want to be comfortable.

  

sleep: Yes PLEASE. If I could be in bed all day err day, I would.

 

missing: Feeling like myself. Can that be a thing? I really feel like my body has been hijacked and I can't wait until this dang first trimester is over and I can go back to actually caring about food.

 

cravings/aversions: Basically all food sounds gross except for bread/carbs. I live off saltines and ginger ale. Hence the weight loss.

 

cries: Jesse was joking around with me the other day and said "Is the rest of your pregnancy just going to suck for me?" referencing my inability to do basically anything around the house, and I lost it. I screamed and cried because how DARE he think he has it so difficult when I'm the one with the raging hormones and morning (let's be real, all day) sickness.

 

Jesse is: so supportive. He basically does anything I ask, gets me whatever food I need, takes care of everything around the house and comforts me when I'm crying, nauseated, tired, everything. He also bought me a gorgeous rocking chair and I just sat in it and cried for 10 minutes.

 

best moments: Telling my parents. My mom just hugged me and cried and said oh my god, oh my god, over and over.

not so best moment: Last night. I attempted to take my prenatal, because I've heard it's a lot better if you take it at night, and I tried to swallow and my gag reflex and nausea made me puke. It was awful. Goodbye lasagna, hope we meet again in my second trimester.

looking forward to: Tomorrow is our first ultrasound! I'm super nervous. I can't even feel excited because I can't even believe there is something in there. But I pray pray pray there is!

First Corinthians

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 1-13

I'm sure you've read/heard/listened to/seen that verse in many places in your life. I know I have. I've heard it at countless weddings, in tons of movies, in songs, and in church. I've also read it in the quietness of my own home. 

But I don't think I ever absorbed it until just now. Literally just this moment. 

The last line. And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

I've just never noticed before how true that statement is. The three things I need the most in my life are faith, hope, and love. 

In my struggle with infertility, I face these every single day in a way. This struggle constantly tests my faith, hope, and love. I am constantly struggling with losing my hope. To look at the future and wonder if we will ever be parents. But isn't that what keeps us going? The sheer fact that we can hope, that we can believe in things and keep our faith even when everyone and everything around us is telling us not to hope. 

And my love. My husband. The one person in the world that I am struggling through with. The one person that knows exactly what we want, what we are hoping for and what we have faith in. He is my love and I am his and without him, my faith and hope wouldn't matter. Because the greatest of these is love. 

Starting Over

I've been neglecting myself lately. Work has been busy (which I'm very grateful for), my marriage has needed some work and overall I haven't had motivation to do much of anything.

I stopped working out and eating healthy. That's never good. I basically gave up on getting pregnant. I was tired. I would basically go to work, come home, and crawl into the shell that is myself and stay there until we go to bed at night.

I guess I'm just writing this to say that I need a change.

I don't want to change my job, I love it.
I can't change my marriage, I wouldn't want to.
I can't change my living situation, I love my house.

Maybe I need a vacation?  I don't know.

Anyway,  so this happened, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to my husband and me on Sunday. Talk about devastating. I cried for hours after they left. My husband just sat there and let me cry. Which was nice, but made me feel even guiltier.

Just to clarify, I'm not angry she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a year after suffering a miscarriage last June. This was the plan. This was supposed to happen.

I'm angry because I am not pregnant. I'm sad because it isn't me that gets to tell Jesse we are pregnant and see the look on his face. I'm disappointed that another woman in my life gets to have a child and I'm left standing at the starting line.

I love my sister-in-law so much and she has been exceedingly gracious towards me which I truly appreciate. But I can't help feeling this way.

I pray. I ask God for an explanation. For forgiveness for feeling jealousy. For a baby.

I went to acupuncture yesterday. It was recommended to me by my sister-in-law (the pregnant one) because she said she went twice and got pregnant.

It was good I guess. I was told that it's possible I am blood deficient and was given herbs to take (yuck).

So I'll take the herbs and I'll go to acupuncture and I'll take ovulation tests and I'll really try to give this another shot. I am so tired of feeling sad about not being pregnant and yet I haven't been doing anything about it because I feel sad. Vicious cycle.

I think the biggest reason I stopped trying (other than the chemical pregnancy last November) was because I was tired of the disappointment. If I'm not trying, I can't be disappointed when I will eventually get my period. But all that really happened is that I felt disappointed anyway and it caused fights between me and Jesse.

So I'm going to start again and I'm going to keep track of everything. Wish me luck!

Update

Hey.


Just stating that life is a little rough right now.


Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon, but for now, I just gotta keep going.