First Corinthians

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 1-13

I'm sure you've read/heard/listened to/seen that verse in many places in your life. I know I have. I've heard it at countless weddings, in tons of movies, in songs, and in church. I've also read it in the quietness of my own home. 

But I don't think I ever absorbed it until just now. Literally just this moment. 

The last line. And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

I've just never noticed before how true that statement is. The three things I need the most in my life are faith, hope, and love. 

In my struggle with infertility, I face these every single day in a way. This struggle constantly tests my faith, hope, and love. I am constantly struggling with losing my hope. To look at the future and wonder if we will ever be parents. But isn't that what keeps us going? The sheer fact that we can hope, that we can believe in things and keep our faith even when everyone and everything around us is telling us not to hope. 

And my love. My husband. The one person in the world that I am struggling through with. The one person that knows exactly what we want, what we are hoping for and what we have faith in. He is my love and I am his and without him, my faith and hope wouldn't matter. Because the greatest of these is love. 

Starting Over

I've been neglecting myself lately. Work has been busy (which I'm very grateful for), my marriage has needed some work and overall I haven't had motivation to do much of anything.

I stopped working out and eating healthy. That's never good. I basically gave up on getting pregnant. I was tired. I would basically go to work, come home, and crawl into the shell that is myself and stay there until we go to bed at night.

I guess I'm just writing this to say that I need a change.

I don't want to change my job, I love it.
I can't change my marriage, I wouldn't want to.
I can't change my living situation, I love my house.

Maybe I need a vacation?  I don't know.

Anyway,  so this happened, my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to my husband and me on Sunday. Talk about devastating. I cried for hours after they left. My husband just sat there and let me cry. Which was nice, but made me feel even guiltier.

Just to clarify, I'm not angry she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a year after suffering a miscarriage last June. This was the plan. This was supposed to happen.

I'm angry because I am not pregnant. I'm sad because it isn't me that gets to tell Jesse we are pregnant and see the look on his face. I'm disappointed that another woman in my life gets to have a child and I'm left standing at the starting line.

I love my sister-in-law so much and she has been exceedingly gracious towards me which I truly appreciate. But I can't help feeling this way.

I pray. I ask God for an explanation. For forgiveness for feeling jealousy. For a baby.

I went to acupuncture yesterday. It was recommended to me by my sister-in-law (the pregnant one) because she said she went twice and got pregnant.

It was good I guess. I was told that it's possible I am blood deficient and was given herbs to take (yuck).

So I'll take the herbs and I'll go to acupuncture and I'll take ovulation tests and I'll really try to give this another shot. I am so tired of feeling sad about not being pregnant and yet I haven't been doing anything about it because I feel sad. Vicious cycle.

I think the biggest reason I stopped trying (other than the chemical pregnancy last November) was because I was tired of the disappointment. If I'm not trying, I can't be disappointed when I will eventually get my period. But all that really happened is that I felt disappointed anyway and it caused fights between me and Jesse.

So I'm going to start again and I'm going to keep track of everything. Wish me luck!

Update

Hey.


Just stating that life is a little rough right now.


Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon, but for now, I just gotta keep going.

BIZ-ZEE

I have been BIIIZZEEEE. Busy.  Every weekend is full. Every weekday is full.  So I'm putting all my current thoughts here before they leave my head which could be any second.




- I'm considering trying the fertility doctors again. I want to have a child and I want my mom to have a grandbaby.  This seems like the best option for us now.




- Things are going well at my new job! I'm learning a lot and I'm just excited to really get in the swing of things.




- This year is going by SO fast.  I can't even believe it is June and before we know it, I'll be stringing lights again for Christmas.




- I bought a tribal printed maxi skirt at TJMaxx on Friday and I've worn it twice already. It is so comfortable! I never shop at TJMaxx, but I was in there for work and it caught my eye. I need to give that whole chain another looksee.


(I have searched and searched for a picture online but can't find it! But seriously, go to your local TJMaxx/Ross/Marshall's and look for it!)




- I got a turntable! Also known as a record player for the musically challenged (myself included). My dad's friend gave us his old turntable for free because it was just taking up space in his storage unit.  We finally got it all hooked up on Sunday and I've been playing old records nonstop. I'm in luuurrrve.


Disregard the hanging wires and mess.



- Made a chicken cobb salad on Thursday.

With herb dressing and sour dough croutons

- OK, bear with me, but we just started the Justified TV series, and don't all three of these men look super similar?

- This is my sister-in-law's cat, Phoebe, and she is precious.

Asking for more petttings

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll have time to post in the next couple of days!

Return!

I'm baaaaaack!!

I've been checked out for quite a while now, because basically, I wanted to. I haven't been overly busy, just took some time to relax.

I also went to the beach for a week! It was lovely and awesome and beautiful weather and I had such a great time with Jesse and his family. We had a tiny bit of car trouble, but overall, everything was relaxing and fun!

In other news, I started a new job today!

My last job was not a good fit for me anymore and I needed to move on.  So I did! I am now an office manager for a real estate company and I'm pretty excited about it.  It will definitely take some getting used to, all the responsibilities and things to learn, but I'm excited to be expanding and stretching.

OK - now for a photo dump. See ya later toots!

Our ride down!

It was sunny and 80 every day!

We took a day to visit my Grandma who lives 2 hours away.

One of the best pictures of the whole week.

The brothers in front of the family house.

Goodbye beautiful Outer Banks!

Homemade Glazed Donuts

Alright! I made glazed donuts this weekend and they were DEE-lish.  I was a tad intimidated at first, but once I really got going, I realized how easy they were!

I made the dough the night before as instructed. I refrigerated it and just pulled it out cold the next morning. I have no pictures of that, as it really was pretty simple and self explanatory. NOTE: The recipe Ree posts on her website and the recipe she has in her cookbook are different! I followed the one on her website and I think it turned out perfectly.  But feel free to use whichever one you like!

The next morning I woke up around 7 to get the dough out of the fridge and rolled out.  I cut each donut and placed it to rise in the warmest environment I could create.  I turned my oven on to 220 degrees and then opened the door just a crack.  I placed the pans on top of the oven and covered them with towels.  I rotated the pans every fifteen minutes or so, that way the outsides would be warmed as well.  

Something's coming, something good!

This was after I mixed up the glazes.  I made a vanilla and a honey glaze.  I simply added powdered sugar, milk, and whatever flavoring I wanted until I reached a thick consistency.  You could even do a chocolate one or a maple one!

This was a beautiful sight.

Oh man. Once I saw how much they had risen, I was super excited.  Some had obviously risen more than others. but this is something that maybe I could work on in the future.

Testing out a couple.

Waiting for the oil to heat and stay at the desired temperature was a process in and of itself.  I was constantly checking it, turning it down a bit, turning it back up. It was never just staying at 375.  

Gorgeous fried dough.

I had bits of dough leftover after I rolled out and cut as much as I could.  The tiny donut at the bottom or this picture was just a piece of dough that I rolled into a log and then folded to make a circle.  I had three of those that I used to test the heat of the oil.  I definitely recommend this! It makes it much easier to have these "throwaway" pieces! (Though obviously I didn't throw them away. I ate them.)

Me enjoying one!

Of course I had to try one to make sure they were good.  And guess what? They were.

Glorious little donut holes!

This was about halfway through.  The donuts definitely stayed warm longer than I thought they would.  I would fry about 3 full size donuts or 6 donut holes at a time. Then I would let them drain and cool a bit.  In between frying I would dunk them in the glaze and let them set on the plate.  The ones at the bottom were dipped in crushed up French Toast Crunch cereal, as requested by my husband. My husband, the adult. 

Yes, I had two.

Finally, all the frying and dough rising, and glazing was done.  I sat back with my cup of coffee, my donut, and the Food Network.  It was a good time!

Some ideas for next time:

I will probably let them rise longer than one hour.  The donut holes and about half the donuts looked great. But I wonder if I had let them rise longer, if they would all look great. This didn't distract from how delicious they were though!

I used a mixture of Crisco and vegetable oil.  I thought this did the job pretty well, and I don't think I honestly would have noticed a difference if I only used one or the other.  I just happened to have Crisco on hand and thought I would throw it in.  Ree uses only Crisco, but since I only had one small can, I used about a cup and a half of this and 3 cups of vegetable oil.  I will use less oil next time as I threw a lot of it away and the donuts didn't need much. 

I will definitely experiment with the glazes and toppings! So many possibilities!

H54F!

Man, I never thought Friday would come this week.  And now here it is! We have a couple of things planned for this weekend, but I know they will all be fun stuff!

Three Wishes

1. I'm back into reading. Reading is an all or nothing thing for me. When I find a book, I'm immersed, reading constantly, finishing in a couple of days. Then I can't wait to soak up another one. But every few months or so, I can't stand the thought of reading. I'm just not into books! But the start of this summer, I want all the books I can get my hands on. I've recently finished reading Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty.  It was AWESOME. I finished it in one day. I can't wait to get started on her other books.  More on my list include, the Shopaholic series (just as a light read for the summer/beach), The Girl on the Train, and Jan Karon's new book coming out in September!

2. I'm going to make donuts this weekend.  I got such an urge to bake and came across Pioneer Woman's donut recipe. It looks difficult, but I think if I can just take my time with it, I'll be enjoying some delicious homemade glazed donuts!

3. One week from now I will be packing us up, getting ready to go to the beach!

4. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are officially moved into their new house. And guess what? It's a 5 minute walk from ours! We've been other there every day since!

5. My parents.  Unfortunately my grandfather passed away on Monday after battling various illnesses for many years. I am so fortunate to have both my parents still living and in pretty good health. I think maybe the silver lining of this tragedy is that I continue to deeply appreciate my parents.  I love them!