Lately

I haven't written lately, mainly because I'm busy. There have been some changes at work, and I hate change. So I'm dealing with that.
But today is a new day. Plus it's Friday.

{Making}  Plans. I'm making plans for this weekend, the Superbowl (of which I don't care one bit, except that it's an excuse to eat food), our DCL trip in February, and maybe a trip to Florida? I hope so.

{Cooking} Dinners! Monday - steaks with cheesy grits, Tuesday - bacon wrapped shrimp with a Caesar salad, Wednesday - honey glazed chicken legs with sweet potato fries and broccoli, Thursday - spinach salad with chicken sausage, apples, blue cheese, and walnuts. And tonight's main course I haven't figured out yet...but something with ground beef because that is what is currently defrosting in my microwave.

{Wanting} to get off work at 4pm, go home, and relax alllll night.

{Looking} at Deep Creek Lake activities. I think we will get down there early on Friday afternoon and have lunch and hit up some of my favorite spots over the weekend. 

{Playing} Trivia Crack and Words with Friends.

{Watching} lots of things - Friends, Parks & Rec, King of Queens, Big Love, House Hunters. I fluctuate between all of them equally.

{Wishing} it were either snowing or 75 degrees out. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been craving sweet summer nights and dresses. I just don't want to give up on winter yet.

{Waiting} for lunch. My coworker and I decided to order out today, which happens once in a blue moon. Old Bay fries, mmmmm.

{Liking} that I'm wise enough now to truly appreciate God's work in my life.

{Wondering} if I will get pregnant before I turn 27.

{Loving} "Ghost" by Ella Henderson.

{Hoping} I get pregnant. Soon.

{Needing} something to take my mind off the fact that I have 5 more hours of work separating me from total freedom for 2 days.

{Wearing} my coziest sweater. It's a cold one out there today.

{Noticing} I hate the way my living room is arranged. I want to try something new.

{Thinking} about car insurance. Welcome to my life.

{Praying} that I can learn to serve God. I find myself praying for a lot of self-service lately. I hope to change that.

New Year, New Me?

Well, it's been a month. Since I last blogged. In case you hadn't noticed?

December was busy.  Busy at work, busy at home. Busy decorating, and buying, and wrapping, and working, and being with family, and baking cookies, and just living.

And I won't lie, I wasn't motivated.  My life isn't anything special.  I go to work, I come home. I spend time with my friends and family. I eat food and I sleep.  Gosh, typing it just bored the crap out of me.

Still not pregnant. Maybe we're trying? I don't know. We're of course doing the deed, but in my mind, it isn't trying. I think it is in Jesse's, as he keeps bugging me when I'm ovulating, but I simply don't feel like trying anymore.  I'm tired.  Of tracking things and checking the mucus (overshare...) and taking ovulation tests, and taking my temperature.  I'm just tired.  So I don't do it anymore.  We do things when we want to, and I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm a tad indifferent about the whole thing, but that's OK.  It's January and I need to focus on other things.

Like the fact that I went to the doctors on Friday and was 6 pounds over what I already don't want to be. I need to seriously incorporate the gym into my daily routine.  But how on Earth do people get up, go to work, go to the gym, go home and cook dinner and then find energy to do all the other "living" things?  Like spend time with your husband and kitty cats?  Not sure. I don't want to kill myself trying to live longer.  Seems a tad counterproductive.

Or the fact that I haven't cooked dinner in like a month!  OK, not true, I cooked Christmas Eve dinner, but not since then! Isn't that sick? Ugh, we have been eating out way too much, so I gained 6 pounds, and now I need to lose weight. Vicious cycle.

ALSO, I need to attend church more often.  The last 2 Sundays, I've either been feeling awful, or just really tired, and wholly unmotivated.  So we don't go, and then I immediately regret my decision.

Thankfully, we have started attending a bible study with 2 other couples that attend church. I've never read much of the bible, and this is helping. We are on Romans right now, and I'm learning. Slowly, but I'm learning. Sometimes I have to reread what we read in the study because I don't understand the first time. But everyone does that right?

Ok, wrapping this up. Exercise more, eat a lot less ice cream, and read the bible.  Lofty, Jess.

Don't worry, I will have abandoned these by February 1.

OH! And now a photo dump.

Christmas decorating skillz.

More skillz.

Babies helping mama wrap.

The Christmas collar with bells on it. He didn't mind it after awhile.

My parents' tree.

Favorite show coming to Netflix Jan. 1? Don't mind if I do.

First smoothie in the Nutribullet. Delish.

Sweet Millie.

High Five for Friday! (Christmas Movie Edition)

This weekend is going to be fairly quiet, which is going to be so awesome.

HIGH FIVE FOR FRIDAY (THIS WEEKEND). since I am already almost done my Christmas shopping, I thought I might list my 5 favorite Christmas movies.  This is going to be difficult. So bear with me if there are 6. Also, these are in no particular order.

1. Christmas Vacation.  The all-time funniest Christmas movie. I don't know if I can say enough about this movie, because my whole family, including Jesse's whole family, quotes this movie all year long. This movie is so ingrained into my Christmas traditions, I can't imagine the season without it.

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2. Miracle on 34th Street. The 1947 version, please. Young Natalie Wood is such a spectacular actress in this movie. Her relationship with her mother and Santa Claus is the reason I love watching this movie.  I adore at the end, where she is riding in the car, and she says, I know it's silly, but I believe.  Because at times, it seems silly to believe in the magic of Christmas, but in the end, I think it's truly worth it.  I feel so much better when I just give in to the magic, rather than resisting it, like I think a lot of people are keen to do these days.

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3. White Christmas.  I hadn't watched this movie until a couple years ago. Which is odd for me because I love old movies, especially old musicals.  (There is just something so heartwarming about them.) But the ending? Tears, every time.  If you haven't seen it, please watch it. Your heart will be full.

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4. It's A Wonderful Life. This is probably my favorite movie of all time.  Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed. Their chemistry and entire relationship is so full of life, I feel like I'm watching a new movie every time I see it.  Couple that with the fact that it teaches the viewer such an important lesson, without making you feel like you are watching a cheesy after school special. On Christmas Eve, after all the festivities are over, my family sits down and watches this movie into the wee hours of the morning. Then we go to sleep (after I've cried ugly tears at the end) and I feel just a little better about the state of the world.

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5. Elf.  Another super funny, feel good movie.  I just love the whole soundtrack to this movie, and all the funny Will Ferrell one-liners.

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BONUS! 
A Charlie Brown Christmas.  This isn't really a movie, so that's why it's a bonus.  But the part where Linus interrupts and says, I'll tell you what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown. And then he recites scripture while the kids stop and listen. Gives me chills. The true reason for the season.

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So that's it! Now of course, I enjoy many, many more. Honorable mentions: The Home Alone series, The Santa Clause, Grinch, Meet Me In St. Louis.  But these 5 are the ones I cannot go through the season without watching. My personal Christmas spirit mood lifters.

Baby, it's bad out there.

It's snowing, it's snowing, and I don't care who knows it!

Really though, if you are on the East Coast, and your state usually gets snow, it is snowing.

I think snow is pretty magical. I've never hated snow. Honestly, I've never hated winter.

I love wearing lots of layers, sitting by the fire, sipping hot apple cider. Eating tons of comfort food. Winter, to me, means red noses, and Christmas, and my birthday, and lots of snuggling with fuzzy socks on.

I hate the heat too, so even though I can appreciate summer, for me, winter is where it's at.

And it's snowing today! The day before Thanksgiving, which means I'll probably be able to leave early and sit inside my house, making pecan bars for tomorrow, and just basking in the fact that I have a 4 day weekend and I am so thankful to be spending it with my family.

Just the beginning of the glorious white stuff.

High Five

Well, I haven't posted in a while.  Busy, I guess. Also, I have a cold.  What a way to start a Friday!

1. This Saturday is our Friends-giving.  Very excited to eat tons of great food, watch movies, and be surrounded by my closest friends.

2. Nothing makes me feel better like a cuddle from a kitten.

Frank loves his mama.

3. I FINALLY found a new fall jacket that I'm loving. Of course it's basically winter now, but I'll wear the crap out of this next year.

(link)

4. The whole IUI procedure only cost us $175. Now, Jesse isn't too happy about it, but I figure that's better than the original $1200 they quoted us.

5. I have a 3 day week next week. And a 4 day weekend. Hip, hip, hooray.

Veteran's Day

I've been a little silent lately.  I've found it's taking some time to get me to feel like myself again.  I thought a couple of Fridays ago, I was there. But I was wrong.  I've been moody, depressed, tired. Like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

Jesse has been so supportive though.  My veteran (because if you can't say it today, when can you say it?) is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My life changed dramatically when I started dating Jesse. Only a year and a half into our relationship, he deployed to Iraq.  That year changed me.

I was 21 years old, engaged to a soldier who was deployed to Iraq.  I lived at home with my parents, slept in a twin bed, and worked full time for a mortgage company that I hated.  I went to school part time at night and did my absolute best to stay busy.

Every now and then during that year, some commercial would come on, or a song would play on the radio, and I would stop breathing.  Even though I talked to Jesse all the time, I would constantly remind myself that something could happen. That I would have to be prepared.  That I needed to keep in contact with his father, because if something DID happen, I wouldn't even be notified.  The army doesn't care if you're dating, if you're engaged, only if you're married or a blood relative.  One of my worst fears during that time was Jesse would be killed and I wouldn't know it until much, much later because no one would notify me.  And I would just be wondering where he was or what he was doing. And then some call would come in days later with the worst news.

But Jesse came home. We moved in together. We got married. We bought a house.  And I remind myself every day, not just on veteran's day, that none of that would have been possible if our men and women just gave up the fight. If everyone decided to lay down arms, not risk anything or sacrifice themselves for my freedom.  If those men and women weren't selfless, I wouldn't have everything I count on today.  So I thank not only my gorgeous husband, but two of his brothers, both of his grandfathers, both of my grandfathers, one of my uncles, many of my friends, and countless others that joined, fought, and came home to their loved ones.  Thank you. Thank you for everything.

The Worst Week

This week has been rough.  

Sunday night was spent in the ER with severe pelvic pain that was due to a ruptured blood vessel in my uterus.

We also found out that we were pregnant.

I say were, because we are no longer pregnant.

When the nurse practitioner, who was such a sweet woman, came in and told me that my hCG level was 269.9, I burst into tears.  This is what we were waiting for, we had dreamed and prayed for this moment for so long.  Jesse and I just hugged and I sat there stunned. I had a million questions.  

How could this happen? We just had a failed IUI. She reassured me, this was not from the IUI, that we had conceived naturally.

She told me she wanted us to follow up with another hCG test in a couple of days.  So I took Monday off (because I was exhausted after our 5 and a half hour ER trip the night before) and went to the fertility doctor on Wednesday morning.

The whole time, I was dreaming of this baby.  I was very hesitant, even telling Jesse not to get his hopes up, but I was still dreaming.  How we would tell our families, how we would do a Christmas themed announcement on Facebook.  The baby's birthday would be July, what a sweet summer baby it would be.

Wednesday morning, when I went in for the blood test, the nurse reassured me that yes, we are definitely pregnant.

Then I got an email from her stating our hCg level was 78.  78.  It was 78.

I was expecting something so different.

She explained it was a chemical pregnancy, that basically the embryo had a problem and stopped growing.  There was no way of knowing why and that it happens all the time.  

I told my mom this morning.  She couldn't understand. I told Jesse yesterday. He couldn't understand.

I can't understand.

We prayed so hard for this baby, and now nothing.  Apparently the good news is that we were able to conceive naturally.  Basically I just feel like lying down in my bed forever.  It's been hard to come in to work and pretend like nothing happened.  Like I didn't lose everything I had been wishing for for the last year and a half and also my whole life.

Basically, this just sucks and I'm sad.  I don't know how to move on and what the future holds.  I don't know where I'm at in my cycle and how I'll feel next week or even tomorrow because right now I just feel like a bus hit me.  

Also? I'm just over it. I'm over the whole thing. I want to shut the door to the room that is supposed to be the "nursery" and lock it and paint over it and burn it and tear it down and just forget that I ever even wanted a baby.

My body is sore. I'm drained emotionally, physically, mentally.  I'm just drained.